I picked my undies now you pick my dress!

After much debate I decided that going out for New Years was the way to go.  For New Years Eve I get ready with my family's Mexican traditions.  Here are two of my favorites.  You have to eat 12 grapes and make a wish after each one, each wish doesn't have to pertain to each month.  The second tradition is my favorite and one that a few of my friends have adopted.  The big decision is always the color of your underwear because it signifies what you are expecting for the new year. Red is for love, yellow is related to work, green is for improved finances, and white is for health.  So pick your undies wisely this New Year's Eve.  NYE Mexican Traditions

I have picked my undergarments but now I need to pick a dress.  And I need your help picking a dress!  I'll be going to a hotel party at the Hyatt.  My dates are two beautiful friends and a guy who would be a love child of a librarian and blond hair blue eyed viking.  Here are the three dresses that I have to choose from...I'm leaning towards the white but I'd like your opinion.

Hope you all are ready for a fantastic 2011!

#1

#2

#3

Cancer Sucks

The last two days have been brutal.  On Monday I was up at 3am with anxiety about missing my 4am alarm clock.  Then I couldn't go back to sleep because my mind was racing about the algebra homework that I still had to complete.  At 3:45am I gave up and started doing math homework.  Then I jumped in a zip car at 4:30am because I remembered I forgot to leave my gift for a child I sponsored at work and my heels were under my desk.  I rushed back to wait in my lobby for my co-worker to pick me up at 6am.  We had to be there at 7:30am to start set up of a summit my company was hosting.  He was late because his scraper was frozen inside his car and he couldn't open any of his car doors.  He had to use his bottle opener on his key chain to de-ice and carry warm water back and forth from his condo to pour on his truck.  He finally showed up at 6:50 and we got to the even location at 8:45am.  It took us about 2hrs to drive 35miles.  I ran around trying to get things set up in a room that was 20 degrees because the heat was not on and they couldn't find the person with the key to the control area.  By 6pm we were 90% complete but we had to go to dinner with our boss.  I was still freaking out about math the entire drive home but when I got home at 10:30pm I fell asleep with my head in my books.

The next day I woke up over and over starting at 3:30am.  We had to do it all over again but this time we made it there by 7am, and after the summit I had to go to my GMAT math course from 6:30pm - 9:30pm.  During class I got a message from my friend that Sol my neighbor had been taken to Northwestern for tests and they were trying to get in touch with me.  I rushed over to the hospital at 9:45pm and was able to bypass normal visiting hours and see my friend.  I got the run down from the doctors that he was probably faking sick because he dislikes his new nursing home so much.  He swore he was ill.  After the nurses kicked me out I walked to the nearest bus stop and waited.  Normally I would have jumped in a cab but I had no cash.

As I was waiting there I sat my heavy bags down next to a girl and she said "Do you want me to move over so you can sit too?"  I thanked her and as soon as she moved an inch I threw myself into the tiny spot she vacated for me.  She kept staring at me and I realized I forgot to thank her for the seat.  Her response was "Well.  You look exhausted.  Long day?"  I'm sure "long day" was a rhetorical question but I proceeded to tell her about the hours prior to my encounter with her.  After I was done giving the rundown of my sleepless nights and terrible math abilities I asked how her day went.  "So now that you know my last 48hrs how were your Monday & Tuesday?"

We were now facing each other and she had a bit of apprehension and slowly said "Well I'm not sure if I'm glad or sad but today was my last chemotherapy session.  I find out how it all went next Wednesday."
I smiled and said "Well don't I feel like an asshole.  I should have asked first."  We both laughed and I asked her about treatment and she told me that she wishes she had as much energy as I did for the last two days.  I couldn't tell how big she was but when we got up to get on the bus she was about 5'7 and seemed to have a very thin frame.  She said that after therapy she felt so sick she just wanted to sleep and didn't have the energy to even get her nails done.  Not that it was any consolation but I showed her my chipped nails and said "Well if it's any consolation, even if you get them done it's not guaranteed they will look good."

We talked for a while especially since we were at the start of our bus drivers shift so she took her 15min break with the two of us on board.  We talked about quite a few things and I learned she had to take vacation days from work to get her treatments done, she helps her family pay their bills, and she loves her life.

As our bus got going again I asked her if she was doing anything to celebrate the news on Wednesday.  Her response was pretty bone chilling when she said, "But what if they tell me that I will die?"  Hearing Sol talk about death is almost like a joke and I feel like he isn't really going anywhere anytime soon but hearing her say that cut straight through my skin.  I sat there motionless and heard my own heartbeat. She brushed it off and said "Come on Come on.  Tell me more about your embarrassing moments."  I couldn't let it go so I said "I think you should have a party either way."  She smiled and said "Why?" and I said "Because either way you'll be surrounded by friends and family and you'll have fun."  She smiled and feeling encouraged I said "I can help plan it if you want.  It can be at a really cute wine bar and..."

"You really like helping people don't you?  This is why you never have time."  She bluntly said to me.  It was getting closer to where I was going to transfer and we exchanged numbers and she said "What would be the theme...Hey I'm peacing out.  Lets go party while I'm still here?"  And I said "I"m moving on to bigger and better things!"  It works in both scenarios!  She let out a pretty hearty laugh that leads me to believe she was humoring me beforehand.  She reached out and gave me a hug that almost brought me to my knees.  I hopped off the bus and I caught the #22 up to my apartment.

Lessons Learned:  Don't complain, especially not at a hospital bus stop.  On a more serious note there is a quote I once heard, "If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back."  Love your problems, it's guaranteed someone has it worse.  I will be sliding into heaven with a glass of red wine, dark chocolate cupcake, and a party hat in hand and I hope you all will join me!


If you would like to donate money or raise awareness about Cancer get involved with the American Cancer Society at www.cancer.org

Should you date your neighbor?

This summer I ran into a guy who looked particularly lost.  He asked me where the storage area was in our building.  Considering he was outside our building at the time I figured I should probably walk him into our basement.  As I was walking him to the basement I found out he was new to Chicago and my building.  I ended up asking him a hundred questions (our elevator is slow) and he suggested we hang out and I show him around Chicago.

I never saw him again after that moment so I had forgotten about him.  Then last week on my walk back in from our garage I saw him.  My lips were dry, red and wind burnt, my hair was wet from snow blowing into my hoodie and I was fighting with my jacket and bags that I was carrying trying to find my keys.  Very sexy to say the least.  I finally found them made my way into the hallway and pushed the button for the elevator and as I removed my hood which is the equivilant of horse blinders he magically appeared in my line of sight.  I figured he wouldn't remember me so I didn't say anything.  But just in case I searched through my bag for my lip gloss.  As I was pretending to be busy searching through my handbag he leaned over and said "Hey...Clara right?  Do you remember me?" 

I was trying to hide my chapped lips so I was sucking them inward and pretending to bite them which probably drew more attention to them in the long run.  I responded with "Yeah, how have you been?"

We made small talk and he said "Are you free this weekend?  You can finally show me around Chicago."  I actually had plans so I said "No, i'm sorry I'm busy."  Then he said "Well maybe the following week, how about that?"  I was going to be out of town so I said "You know what I'm going to be out of town.  I can make a spreadsheet for you of all the places you should check out.  That could help you find your way around and get to see some really cool sites."

He stared at me and seemed like he was trying to get something out.  I was starting to think that I sounded like the biggest bullet point nerd ever and then he said "Well I guess I didn't do this right, but I was trying to ask you out.  I wasn't too focused on seeing Chicago." 

Whoops.  I wonder how many people have tried to ask me out and I just haven't picked up on it. 

So my big question to myself now is...Should I go out with my neighbor?

Dreamy Derek Came to Chicago

I was cleaning out my facebook messages and stumbled across one that made me laugh and thought I would share.  Back in August a friend, you might remember from my blog about my trip to NYC, Dreamy Derek came to Chicago.  He had a wedding to attend and made mention of popping by to say hello.  It was also right around the time the "Places" button was added to the facebook app.  Derek managed to check us in everywhere we went and our mutual friend scamp sent me a message titled "Spill the Beans".  Asking if I was really checking in with DD all over Chicago, and wanting to know what I was doing with him.  I'm 100% sure it was the 9th check-in at Proseco that did it (See NYC Blog posting about my bizarre dinner there).

Silly photos from our Sunday Funday

Photo by Derek

This was my response to scamp...

Hey!  We were only supposed to hang out Sunday but he had some free time and asked me to lunch on Friday then we kind of never stopped hanging out.  He loves that check in app it's ridiculous.

Overall really fun trip.  On Saturday he made mention of our first encounter at Proseco I almost dropped the proseco in my hand but held on strong.  No spillage this time.  Very awkward.  So I guess my string of bizarre dinners at Proseco continues.  I'm going to go to a different restaurant on my next date.  Although I'm not sure if I would call our hanging out "dates" since it felt like we never stopped hanging out.  Just a series of meet ups.  I think he might also have an issue with leading people on because it seems like girls all over the place believe that he is dating them.  Not exactly bright girls either.  One of them sends him messages like "I'm wearing amazing shoes tonight."  I never knew text messages like that existed.

Anyway funny trip, lots of quirky moments.  Especially since I realized that I had only met him once before and for a few hours.  People always seem completly different in your head, then you meet them again.  He was much shorter than I remembered.  How was your weekend?

If you do come to Chicago I suggest you find these two books, very nifty to have!

Pole Dancing with a 65yr Old

Last night it was a co-worker's goodbye party.  The night got started off casually and before we knew it the table of 5 (we won't count Joey Tightpants b/c he didn't drink) consumed 3 bottles of wine.  Yes I call one of my co-workers Joey Tightpants as a result of my Mafia themed party a few weeks ago in another goodbye party for Vincenzo the Asian with the Italian name. 

So back to my story my friend Lucy who has moved back in town from Atlanta decided we should keep the party going.  I was fading but she convinced me it would be "just one drink out."  I have traveled with Lucy and I know "one drink out" really means "I just need to con her into coming out for 1hr then let the fun suck her in."  The following is a part of an email that I wrote my girlfriend in Seattle who wanted a full report after my facebook posting.

OMG!  I made a total fool of myself but it was kind of awesome. So my friend Lucy is very fun and random. I wanted to go home but she conned me into 1 drink out. We went to two bars that were total duds then this doorman at a bar we were walking by said "You'll have fun here, I'll start it off w/2 shots."  Bad decisions starting early.  These two Italian mobster wannabes came over and bought us a drink.  I was annoyed with the conversation they started asking how much money I made then they guessed my age, and wanted me to do a twirl.  They guessed 22.  I'm 24 now by the way.  Very boring conversation so I decided to spice it up.  After they said I looked good I thanked them and I told them I was still losing my baby weight.  I worked at a call center for $12.87/hr and I drink because it's customer service and people tell me their problems. Slick hair left shortly after that. Then before I knew it there was a girl with the microphone who came over to chat with us and she learned my name and later called me up on their crappy stage with 3 poles on it. I brought an old lady in her 60's (weirdest crowd ever) up on stage with me.  I only stayed up there dancing with the old lady for so long because she was showing me up and because the girl with the microphone kept saying "Clara's got skillz!" I have zero sexy and I know it so it's OK.  I now have pole burn on my hands.

 

Then we played beer pong with some guys, I found out the guy who kept trying to kiss me had a girlfriend so on our walk home he wanted to stop in CVS and I wanted to stop and teach him a lesson. I said that I knew he had a girlfriend and I wouldn't let him walk me home because I knew deep down he was a terrible person. He just stared at me and then I shouted at 1:30am in a semi-busy CVS "It's YOUR BABY and I'm KEEPIN IT!!!!!" and I walked off.

 

I then called a few people and left really insane vmails on their phones. My friend Ron got a Spanish lady asking him to "peek up de fon..."  Then for some crazy reason I called Dreamy Derek b/c I figured he would be up since it was early west coast time. He was also tipsy or he said that to make me feel better and I don't know what we talked about for 41min but at one point in the conversation I told him that he was a liar. Terrible idea.  I also ate my way through a Trader Joe's Mac n' Cheese thing while chatting, they are amazing but probably meant for 2 people to eat.

 

Then I passed out. But I did manage to wash my face.

Lesson(s) Learned: 

1. Don't go to a bar called Shenanigans without your own
2. Just because a 22yr old with hot pink net gloves, sparkly hot pants, and a microphone cheers you on doesn't mean you have dance "skillz."  
3. Don't ever try to show up a woman in a sequin jacket and an AARP card.
4. Public Humiliation is fun and effective

My name is Vivian...When I'm bored

Last night I went out with five very fun girlfriends.  It seems like the Turkey Dump (Just Bing it, you'll see) happened early this year and now that some of my friends are newly single a party was in order.  We had a great sushi dinner then decided to head out to a pretty swanky place in Chicago.  As I made my way to the bar to order a 2nd drink a guy five people away was shouting down the bar in my direction "VIVIAN!  VIVIAN!"  I looked over and gave him a tight lipped "wow you're embarrassing yourself" smile.  He kept shouting and was now waving his hands like his fingers were getting an electric shock.  Eventually he stopped and I'm assuming he found Vivian.  However, the bartender walked over with a drink and said "Hey this is for Vivian."  I looked at the girl next to me who was not paying attention and I nudged her and said "Hey! Someone bought you a drink."  The very snooty and unrealistically blond girl responds with "I'm not Vivian or with that crazy guy."  The bartender leaned across the bar and shouting over the loud music said, "NO YOU!"  I pointed to myself as most people do when they are confused.
 
I grabbed the drink and walked over to explain to the guy that I am not Vivian.  As soon as I walked over he leaned down and said, "Hey!!  How have you been?"  I have no clue who this guy is.  I felt bad breaking it to him but couldn't accept the drink "I don't think we've met."  He then explained where we met and I was yanked back to the memory.  It was at a bar party in Chicago and I was there to meet up with a friend from Texas who I had not seen in a long time.  I didn't think I would ever run into any of the people at the party again, and I was also bored out of my mind, so I created a fake name and job.  That night I became a professional bowler named Vivian, had been in the league 4yrs hoping to go pro and make it onto ESPN3 some day.  I stopped short of giving bowling advice.  My side job was cutting hair in the suburbs so I gave hair advice instead.  Ahhh...The things people do when they are bored. 

As he was talking I found out his name was Kevin.  I now had an issue, my oldest brother is named Kevin, I can't fake number him or be rude and walk away after he bought me a drink.  I think it's harder to hurt someones feelings if they share the same name as a family member or close friend. I didn't have the heart to tell him and I also had already sipped half the drink during his lengthy story about a tax law case that was currently in mediation.  So I was Vivian again and I spoke with him for way too long because I ended up losing my friends and felt obligated to give him my phone number.  I still could not break the news via text the following day.

Lesson Learned:  Always re-think the phrase "You will never see any of these people again."  Oh and make sure you end the impersonator joke the same evening, it's pretty hard to do 6months later. 

Tech Support Embarrassment

Lets be honest I embarrass myself 99% of the time and on a rare occasion someone embarrasses me.  Like when my former boss Mike called me pretending to be our security check in and told me that I had flowers waiting for me.  I went to the lobby and they sent me to our delivery room in the basement.  I was asking around for about 10min convinced that someone else had taken my flowers.  As I was getting flustered I revisited the sound of the overtly husky voice on the phone.  Awesome. 

Today I had the pleasure of embarrassing myself.  Our ordering portal for business cards was not working, I have been in this job for 7months and still have not been able to order these cards.  I always got to the "check out" button but instead of entering my credit card it sends me ALL the way back to start over and re-type in my information.  A person can only do this so many times before you sincerely consider assaulting any electronic equipment nearby. 

I made the call to our help desk which is conveniently located in Mumbai.  I have no idea what "Rich" is trying to tell me so he eventually takes over my computer and tries to show me.  He is completely baffled as well and instead of fixing the problem accuses me of doing something to break the system.  Yes, "Rich" I have deadlines to meet but today I decided to abandon real work and my goal was to make YOUR life tougher.  We both end up at Tech Support level 3 which lands me back in the US with a guy from IBM who couldn't care less about my problem or the software they developed to order business cards.  I now have 3 tech guys on the phone and they are all trying to figure out how to order me business cards.  We have to go to another website to contact someone else and this requires my Global password.  The following conversation ensues. 

IBM guy:  Clara what's your password so we can access all the sites with your global log on and take over your computer?
Me:  Can I just enter it
IBM Guy:  It'll be easier if you just tell us so that we can enter it for each website and you can work on other stuff.
Me:  I'll just enter it
"Rich":  Tiz easiah if you give to us this password
IBM Guy:  Just tell us I don't want to have to give you back control to enter it 5 times it'll eat up tons of time
"Rich":  Iz ziz a probleem Miss Gaza?

[Debating if I want to give them my password.  I have been on the phone for a total of 67min.  I have spoken to 3 technicians from 2 different countries and while on hold for IBM learned all about Rich's love of cricket and his 5 children.  I don't think I can do this again tomorrow]

Tech #2:  Clara?
Me:  Ok Ok. 
"Rich":  Ah very good
Me:  Wait, can I change it before? 
IBM Guy:  DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THAT WILL TAKE?!
Me:  Ok Fine.  It's...it's...Whofartedon22 and the W is capitalized
[Silence]
IBM Guy:  What was that?
Me:  Whofartedon22
IBM Guy:  [breaks out into some snorting laughter]

I'm thankful that after the long silence laughter broke through. 

I like to create passwords that make me laugh.  It adds some fun to my day.  Don't judge me.  Just start doing it, you'll see how it brings a smile to your day.  Except when you're on with Tech Support.

Why are you so happy?

Today was a particularly rough day at work.  I was scheduled to be in meetings all day and if I hadn't had a planned lunch meeting to speak at I'm pretty sure I would have had to forgo lunch.  All my own doing of course, I'm a bit of an overachiever at work and I like to get more done that is requested of me.  Compounded with the fact that I have a hard time saying "No" to people I am more likely than not to spread myself too thin.

At my lunch meeting I mingled until I got a good idea of who I was going to be sitting with at my table that way I could choose who I wanted to sit next to.  At this point I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and disenchanted with my current position and wanted someones good energy to rub off a little on me.  I never said I wasn't selfish.  I saw a woman I recognized and remembered she was enjoyable to talk to.  After noting where she sat I set my things down in a chair next to her and set off to meet a few more people.

During lunch this woman and myself got to talking and she had the greatest smile in all her comments and questions it really got me a bit giddy and I was happy that I had sat next to her.  My mental thoughts were moving away from the anticipated work I had to go back to and leaning towards the fun conversationalist next to me.  She was going to Paris for the first time and I was talking to her about the Rodin Museum along with all the fun I had there.  Good mood was rubbing off on me...score!

As we were both carefully eying desert and deciding if it was worth the caloric intake I said "You deserve it you seem to be in such an awesome mood."  She leaned in close and whispered, out of earshot of her boss who was seated next to her, "Well it's because I'm resigning tomorrow.  You might want to take notes on my part of the speech they'll probably ask you to cover for me until they can get someone in January."

Sweet.  Next time I'm sitting next to the grouch at the very least I will know that I am having a better day than them.

The Great Burrito Date

I've had a few emails from people asking why I haven't been on any dates latley. I haven't been on any dates since the begining of summer for a few reasons. 1. I've been busy traveling, and when I am here I want to spend time outdoors with good friends. 2. I have been studying for the GMAT (Send me some good vibes people, I'll be taking my test tomorrow!). and 3. My last date was also one that would send most girls into thinking that dating might be too much of a hassle.

So I met this person whom I'll call Buddy at my old Church in lakeview. I'm not going to lie I didn't go very often but I did make a couple of friends while I was there.  A few were very into volunteering and I really enjoyed helping with the children's programs through Chicago Cares. I met Buddy through a girl at church who brought him along to a coffee meet up. She thought we would be a "great match" after she saw us interact.  What constitutes a "great match?"  Because none of those dates have worked out, ever.
 
So a little bit about my date, he is about 6'2 with a runners build, dark brown eyes, and deep olive skin.  Basically tall, dark, and handsome with a bit of preppy charm.  I knew he was incredibly friendly since I had met him once before during a volunteer outing with Chicago Cares.  If a guy volunteers on a Saturday morning you know that he has a good heart, and Buddy is no exception.  I was pretty excited to go out with him since I knew he was a nice guy and my friend stamped her seal of approval. 

When we coordinated this date all we had spoken about was him picking me up at 7:30pm and going out for dinner.  I had a new sleeveless v-neck deep blue and tan wrap dress that was ready for a spin.  I paired it with cute navy blue heels and got giddy for the date.  At 7:25pm he was downstairs and ready to pick me up.  As I walked outside of my building I didn't see a car.  I searched and saw a guy with a helmet waving to me from a scooter.  This isn't happening to me.  I faked an excited smile (the smile where you show ALL your teeth) and cautiously walked over. 

As I checked him out I noticed he was wearing a casual forest green polo t-shirt, jeans, and black chuck taylors.  He looked extremely casual.  He took off his helmet and had a huge grin on his face.  "Wow you're really dressed up cutie!"  I smiled clenching my jaw this time pressing my lips together tightly.  This isn't even a real motorcycle.  "Yeah, I didn't even realize that you had one of these I've only seen your car," I said as energetically as possible.  He grinned and said "It's my new toy.  I thought you would want a bit of adventure, plus we aren't going very far."  I thought about changing but figured it would take too long and I would seem high maintenance.  He let me wear the helmet and we took his scooter down Clark Street towards division.  I was wondering where we were going but didn't want to ask until we got to a stop light since I was afraid of bugs going in my mouth.  As soon as we got to the corner of division and state street he parked the scooter and went to pay for the meter.  He helped me put on the helmet so I wasn't exactly sure how to take it off.  After struggling and looking like an animal that got their head stuck into a small container I finally got it off as he was walking back from the meter.  He looked at me and laughingly said "Wow quite the hair you've got there now."  I looked at my reflection in a nearby store window and my  hair looked similar to a troll doll from the early '90s, there was no way I was going to get rid of this static cling.  I tried to pat it down as best as possible but just shrugged and decided this date was going to continue going down this path so I might as well enjoy it.

He helped try to smooth out my hair then he started to lead me towards our destination.  We walked right up to the Chipotle on the corner and he opened the door.  I wasted a good outfit.  I hope I don't see anyone so I can wear this dress this weekend.  He saw the look on my face and said "I picked this place because I heard how much you loved it."  I didn't have the heart to tell him that I had given it up since I was trying to lose weight.  I would make an exception.  We ordered and as he was paying he suggested we get a few beers.  We ordered a few beers sat down at one of the wooden booths and got to chatting.  He casually mentioned a surgery he had due to an old sports injury.  As we were finishing up, he asked if I wanted to stay and keep drinking.  I was enjoying the conversation so I agreed and he went up to the counter and ordered 4 more beers.  I was nursing my current beer at the time and didn't think I'd be drinking more than two.  Plus I didn't even think this guy drank so I was pretty surprised when he came back with two more for each of us. 

As the conversation progressed and he finished his two beers, I realized he was getting very loud and loopy.  I knew I wasn't going to finish my beer so I gave it to him.  Bad decision.  After 20 more minutes passed his words were slurring and he was really giggly and touchy.  I asked him if he was alright and he said that he was fine.  We kept on talking but I couldn't tell if I was the drunk one or if he was really that messed up after four beers.  I started wrapping up the conversation and got up to throw away our food when I saw him wobbling as he stood up.  When I walked over to him he turned around and I could see that his eyes were a bit glassy and he had that "I'm wasted" look on his face.  You know the look, where your squinty eyes and raised eye lids are desperatly trying to keep your eyebrows from falling down your face.  I jokingly said "I think you roofied yourself instead of me."  He looked shocked, then said "Oh god I didn't think the codine would be this strong."  An alarm went off in my head.  I had recently had a girlfriend who had taken a muscle relaxant and/or pain medication and threw up violently in my apartment after only a few drinks.  I don't think he could tell I was worried but I was getting that sinking feeling.  I went into a mom mode and asked what he took.  He rattled off some pill names that I didn't recognize except for hydrocodone.

Luckily I knew he lived close by so I held out my hand and helped him stand.  He ended up resting his lanky 6'2 frame on my shoulder.  The employees at Chipotle and the other diners were staring at me and I shook him a bit.  His eyes perked up and he started a string of apologies.  As we walked outside I told him that he couldn't drive his scooter.  Luckily he didn't fight me but he did try to walk on his own and after one step his equilibrium sent him tumbling into a parked car.  To our luck an officer was across the street and came over to investigate what was happening. 

The officer and his partner walked over and started interogating Buddy.  "What were you two doing tonight?"  His response "dayyyyyte" followed by chuckling.  After three questions I figured they were going to write him up for public intoxication so I interupted and said "Look he had surgery and whatever he took is not going well with the three beers he had tonight, this has been a nightmare of a date, can I please just take him to his house."  The officers looked at me and said "Three beers?"  I'm assuming they were thinking I drugged him.  Buddy said "yeah and I never drink."  They asked me where he lived and I told them it was 4 blocks away.  Buddy was leaning against the car he fell into and he put his index finger up to my face and said "Shhhhh".  The officers looked at me and asked if I would be ok taking him home.  In retrospect I probably should have asked them to help me.   We walked the blocks to his house and I had to sit him on the step to his extremely nice walk-up while I opened the door.  As we walked in I realized that he had a 3 or 4 story level home and I would more than likely have to get him up more stairs.  Getting him up there was pretty humerous and we sat on the 2nd floor laughing since he was so dizzy.  When we finally got to his room I sat him on the edge of the bed and helped him take off his shoes.  He kept apologizing and laughing at how funny this all was.  I felt bad for him because I could tell he was a bit embarassed, before I left I went downstairs to get him some water.  As I was making him finish the water and saying bye he shot up and said "Oh damn my scooter!"  He asked if I would bring it back to his place.  I said I would make sure to move it so it wouldn't get towed but I would be taking it to my building and he could come by to get it the next day.  He apologized and I made the walk back to Chipotle and to his scooter. 

I set out back the way I came and weighed my options.  I could try and drive the scooter home, or I could call someone.  I decided that watching Buddy drive did not qualify me as a scooter driver so I had to call someone to help me.  While walking I looked through my phone for someone who would possibly be awake and close by.  I almost called Chad who lived 1 block away but I figured it would be weird telling someone I formerly dated to help me take home a scooter of someone I went on a date with.  I settled for my married neighbor, Sam.  I tried to be brief but in his questioning I ended up telling him the entire story of how I came to be in posession of a scooter.  It took about 2 solid minutes for him to stop laughing.  Luckily he got out of bed and came to help me.  When he arrived he walked up to give me a hug and said "Wow, you look really nice for Chipotle.  And I can't believe you still smell like a burrito."  I responded with, "I think it's the smell of sadness."  We both ended up breaking out into laughter and I showed him how to start the scooter and we set off for our building.  He made me wear the helmet despite my protests.

We were able to park the scooter in my building's garage and since the valet guys found my story and my post helmet hair so entertaining they didn't charge me.

I was punk'd by a deaf man!

Today I woke up at about 6:50am after pressing snooze for 45min.  At 6:54 I got a call from my doorman downstairs saying "Hey Clara, your co-worker Joan is here to pick you up, he's outside waiting." I responded with "Ok great, tell him I'll be down in 5min."  I was like WHAT?! I had completly forgot he would be here at 7am to take me to Hoffman Estates for a walk through of an event we are both working on. I literally got dressed in 4min, brushed my hair, put on minimal make-up and packed a banana for breakfast. When I got to downstairs my co-worker said "Wow you look very nice." I feel like crap since I didn't get to shower. I was going to try and rinse off but figured it wasn't a good idea on time. I just ran out and hoped I didn't smell.

Then the real fun part happened. We had to go to meet our event coordinator Joe.  Joe is hearing impaired. I think we spoke for about 20min about Marley Matlin the deaf actress. He's in love with her. Anyway he kept saying "Huh" and "what" so I kept speaking louder to help him out while telling him how I wanted each room to look and what he had to move in or out. Two other people showed up and kept giving me dirty looks because I was shouting.  After being there for 30min I decided I had to say something.

So I said "Look Joe you're going to have to turn up your hearing aid, people think i'm verbally abusing you." Joe turns to me with a sly grin and says "Oh I just like doing that to people who make me work hard, I can actually hear you pretty well and you are the easiest person to lip read." The man is hilarious and I have to give him credit for playing a pretty good joke on me.

Sol Part 2: The Letter

If you read "Sol Part 1" you know that on most Tuesdays or at least 3-5 days out of the month I spend an evening with my neighbor Sol.  In the time I have known him he has turned into a mentor/grandpa/abba/friend all rolled into a 5'7 pudgy, crotchety, wrinkly, hard of hearing 80yr old man.  And yes he read that description before I wrote it.  He asked that I include that 30yrs ago he was still quite the charmer.  I beg to differ, he is still quite the charmer.  During one of our first evenings out he asked me "Why are you out to dinner with me?  Don't you have a boyfriend?"  I sassily said "I do not have a boyfriend, but I don't think I'm ready to date an 80yr old yet."  I often use humor to avoid answering questions that make me uncomfortable but it didn't work. He continued down the same line of questioning "You're a smart ass.  What's wrong with you?  I was married by your age.  And ready to have kids.  What are you doing with your spare time?"  I laughed and said "Well Obviously...God wants me to have more fun as a single person than he did you."  This is how our relationship goes.  One snide comment deserves another. 

Me Chasing Sol Down

On our walks he has given me advice on my career (Turns out he was a very successful Banker in his time), he has helped me pick out furniture "Don't spend your money on that, I'll just give you my sofa I only use my recliner anyway", advice on family, along with plenty of dating advice.  I could tell a dozen Sol stories but it would require an entire book. 

I have lived in my new building a little longer than a year and out of that year about 8 of those months were spent getting to know this old guy.  I'm not sure if he has benefited from knowing me but I can tell you that he knows about the Bravo Real Housewives Series, he is a fan of the bachelor, he reads my old People Magazines, he's been to more movies this year than his entire life combined, he says things like 'I'm jazzed', he traveled to California, loves wine tastings, and he likes to eat out at nicer restaurants (read: places that don't have a $1 menu or scratchy voiced waitresses named Flo) now. 

I didn't realize how much I appreciated this relationship until he had several mini-strokes early in the morning at the start of Memorial Day Weekend.  Fortunately he was found by a neighbor, Barbara.  At 3pm on Thursday I got a call from a doctor at Northwestern stating that my friend was in the hospital and they needed a family member at the hospital.  They couldn't get in touch with his Son who lives in the suburbs so I was taxed with getting in touch with his son or heading down there myself.  I left work and headed over.  I got there 10minutes after the call but I had to sit down and mentally prepare myself to see him.  I'm not good in hospitals, somehow when I see sick people it feels like I'm absorbing their pain and it hurts my entire body to be near them.  I was also afraid he was about to die.  After 30minutes of shaking it off I walked into his room.

I walked to the nearest nurse to ask her where he was located.  She took me over to an office and asked me how I was related to him.  I explained that his doctor called me because they were unable to get in touch with his son.  She looked at his chart and said "What is your relation to him?" and I said "Well I'm like a granddaughter I guess."  She looked at me with questioning eyes and I looked at her back with "what the hell lady" eyes.  She said "Oh he just said that his girlfriend would be coming in."  I'm sure I turned every shade of red and just couldn't help but rolling my eyes.  I had a feeling he wasn't in such bad shape after all.  She led me to his room and said "Just be patient with him he's struggling to speak a bit but his symptoms could go away as soon as 24hrs so he needs to try and work at it.  He gets frustrated very easily."

He was hooked up to a monitor and looked like he was asleep but as soon as I stepped I heard the mechanical raising of the hospital bed.  He slurred the words "Wha slooooook so long?"  My scrunched up worry face turned into a smile. I said "Well why did they call me if you were fine?"  He wrote on a piece of paper that Barbara had come to find him around 7am because he had not met her downstairs.  I told him to try to speak so he could practice.  He tried to eek out the words that he was trying to reach for the phone when everything blacked out.  I was very sad that he was having trouble speaking but he needed to exercise those muscles so as he started to write I took away his paper and pen.  He made the international "I am going to slit your throat" sign and reached for the pen and paper.  I pulled it out of his reach.  He was so frustrated he was slurring words I didn't even understand and I'm sure cursing at me.

Prior to his strokes we had a long conversation about relationships.  Sol is 80 and has a few broken relationships with close family members.  I asked him why he didn't apologize, and tell them how he really felt.  He got very upset and I told him that he should write a letter to those people if he felt he could not face them.  He laughed at me and said that people didn't care anymore.  We had a roundabout discussion for another hour about how important it is to tell people before you die because everyone loves to hear that they are loved regardless if they care for that person in return.  His response "You just love hearing about how much people love you."  Which is true, so I said "I'm sure if people told you more often how much they love you, you'd be less grouchy."  He finally agreed with me but only because it was getting close to his bed time and I was wearing him out. 

After visiting hours were over he asked me to go into his apartment and shut some things off.  I said I would do so, then he said "Can lew mail muh levvers in the entry way.  And look on duusk for envelope wis jur nayme lon it."  I asked him what it was and he said that it was something important he wanted to tell me.  He added, "You nosey, jooo wouulve read eh-neway."  This is also true.  I went back to his apartment and found this half written letter which he gave me permission to put on my blog minus one paragraph...

Dearest Clara Ann,

After our conversation last night I realized that I should take your advice.  Very funny right?  Take the advice of a 27yr old.  I have been on this earth for 80yrs and I didn't start living until I met you.  I lived early in my life but I died when my wife died. I was just waiting around until I could see her again.  Last night you said "Why wait until you die?  Why not just tell them now?"  I am sure that you just wanted to know if you were going to get a letter.  You have the longest letter and I have known you the shortest time.

You have been a force of life and you have changed an old man who was very set in his ways.  I was ready to die and be with my wife and then miss loud talking lady moved onto our peaceful floor.  When I first spoke to you there was a genuine care and you did not know me.  You remembered little things I said in passing, and then you invited me for a walk.  I don't know why you would want to walk with a grouchy old man but you found my attitude endearing rather than off putting like most people do.

In the months that I have come to know you I know that for a 27yr old you have more wisdom and understanding than I ever had.  You understand that life is to be made to the fullest.  And though you are very willing to share your stories of travels, many accidents, and people you meet. You rarely speak of yourself that would allow people to see into you.  You have a very heavy guard.  It took you 7 months to tell me the story of why you moved here.  You had your heart broken in the very worst of ways and I never would have known.  You kept a smile on your face and you listened to me talk for 7months and you never shared this!  I was depressed for almost 4yrs after my wife died.  I know you say that 4yrs and 60 are not the same but the love is the same.  You love someone and when they are gone you cannot [he didn't finish]  

You will find love some day, I know you are not in any rush but I do hope that you hurry a little I would like to be alive to meet the man you choose to fall in love with.  I do mean choose.  So many people love you and you need to pick a special man who will appreciate your gifts.

You have many gifts.  The gift of leadership.  Even I want to follow you and do what you do.  I say things like "I am jazzed" or "We must live it up" and my favorite "retard" and my friends wonder why I talk like this now.  You have the gift of acceptance.  I had never met a gay man and now I am friends with 2 of them and I'm not afraid they will try and come after me.  I may be 80 but I still have got it.  You also were accepting of the fact that I wanted you to convert.  You said something I have repeated many times.  "I'm so glad you shared your religion with me.  Someone's religion is the single most important thing to them and for you to want to share that with me means you care deeply about me.  Thank you."  Now when people want to share about their religion, I don't become irritated I thank them!  I still would like you to consider Judiasm.  You have the gift of persuasion.  I became a "yes" man.  I say yes to the party.  And the party is Clara, make no mistake.  I have stayed up later than normal, I go out for wine, I went on a date, I joined a painting class, I went on a cooking class with you, and I have traveled to California at my old age.  I am living this life up!  The last is the gift of honesty.  This is why people follow you, you are who you are and make no mistake it's an incredible woman that you are.  You are not afraid to say things that others are.  You tell me that I am going to die and I need to make the most of the years I have left.  You tell me when I am rude or being "crotchety."  You should not use that word anymore it's terrible.  You have no fear of the truth, especially when it is not nice.

My dear friend I write this letter to you because you are special.  Don't go gloating, part of the special is that you have no clue about it.  There are no words to describe the gift you have given me and you did it all without motive or reason.  You just did it because you love to love and that is truly your greatest gift.

May you continue to be blessed always.

Your old man friend,

Sol

Of all the things I have ever received in my life this has been the most touching present.  Don't waste time in telling people how much they mean to you.  This letter means more than words could ever express and I know if I am ever having a rough day I can read this and get a jolt of love.  I am so very thankful for this letter but even more appreciative of my unexpected friendship with Sol. 

Sadly, Sol is no longer my neighbor and he has moved into the suburbs to be close to his son in a retirement facility West of Chicago.  Although he hates technology he now has a cell phone and calls me at least once a week to tell me stories about his plans of breaking out.  He gives me whispering instructions like, "Listen to me!  Just be here at 3pm on Thursday so we can break out of this place and get ice cream or better yet wine."

Before I posted this I asked his permission since this was such a personal letter.  His response, "I would be honored.  Plus you probably already shared with people."  When I was taking too long to post it his next comment was "Will you write about me before I die please, I need to show people here that I made it onto the computer screen."  I made a second request, "Sol, I want a photo of us to attach it to the blog post."  He said that I could take a photo with him but I was not allowed to publish it since he doesn't look his usual "handsome" self.  So instead here is the next best thing...I love you Sol!

Adventures in Shopping

My friend Rob, who is also my running partner, was in need of a gift for his "muh lady friend."  I don't exactly know how this nickname came about but the guys are convinced I came up with it since I also call Judy (Sam's wife) Judy booty.  And sometimes I call her JCB "Judy Cutie Booty."  I'm big on nicknames and if you have met me then chances are that you have one.  It helps me remember names, of course I have to hear the name correctly at first for this trick to work.  However, this trick can backfire if you can't remember the name and just the nickname which happened at camp when I gave Randy the nickname "Beef Cake."  So much for that memory game.

Anyway back to the story.  So I agreed to help Rob as long as he went with me to try on dresses for an upcoming event.  So as we were looking at the watches and jewelry and discussing what an acceptable price range for a gift would be I hear my name being called in a strong Spanish accent.  I immediately look around for my grandma who is 5'1 with curly reddish blond hair, normally seen in a gold track suit, and enough bling to be a human disco ball.  However, Grandma Connie is no where to be found.  But there is another woman with bright red hair shouting "CL-AH-DAH" (that's how you pronounce Clara in Spanish) over and over. I look over at Rob who has turned away from the sales woman and is watching wide eyed as this tiny woman bolted over to me.  I have no idea who this woman is!  She is about 5'0 with her heels on, but her spirit felt like a QB with a defensive player running towards me.  When Rob and I talked about this later he said "I think you're confusing her spirit with the 1/3 bottle of cologne she had on." 

I'm smiling nervously and she slowed her trot down to a confused walk.  Then she tilts her head to her shoulder and says in Spanish "Do you remember me?" I start jogging my memory.  She was so excited to see me and now she looks really confused so I said in Spanish "You know, I do remember you a little."  Rob squeezes my shoulder.  He has no idea what is being said because he doesn't speak Spanish, but I think he's getting the idea of the conversation.  "Well ummm."  And she says "It's me Sonya from your flight to Tejas las jear."  I fly to Texas pretty often to see family and because I'm chatty I talk to probably 2 people each leg of flights that I am on.  So the mental Rolodex of people I have spoken to was pretty long.  Then she says "You predicted my future and prayed for me."  Then under his breath I hear Ron say "Oh Dear God."

The picture of her former self and our conversation started to come back to me.  I did remember her!  She was on the flight from ORD to DFW, was about 80lbs heavier, and she could hardly fit into the seat.  She was so upset when the stewardess told her in a snippy tone that she would need an extender for her seat belt.  She kept apologizing and not knowing what to say I said "Don't worry, you're fine. These seats are tiny."  And she pet my hand and said "Thank you."  This opened up introductions and the reason for travel.  I don't remember in detail what we talked about but I remember feeling awful and in my mind the thought bubble "How can you help her?" popped up.

So back to Nordstrom.  I introduce Rob to my now petite friend and I lean over to tell him "We met on a flight to Tex...."  Before I can finish she jumps into the conversation with her Spanish accent "Jes and I talk her about my deh-borce and she says to me 'Sonya you can do it! Get Goals.'  Pray hard and work hard for de life jew want!"  After her story she hugs me and says "I hab company of cleaning ladies now!  I have a company Clah-dah!!"  She can't seem to stop squeezing me and she even grabs my hand as we're talking and pets it.  After a few minutes of catching up Rob and I politely excused ourselves.  As we are leaving Sonya says to Rob  "Dees girl is real eh-special my friend!"

Rob looks at her and says...."Trust me I know.  We met on a bus."  

The Great scamp NYC Trip & The Midtown North Precinct

As some of you know I was a part of a focus group for Microsoft's KIN phone.  When I first started this focus group I thought it was a bit of a hoax.  We talked about phones and made suggestions but we never knew what we were really working on.  Until one day our Project Coordinator sent us an email stating that they would be in town and wanted to take us for a drink.  I was really busy that week and was almost planning on ditching but I had two friends that needed to go out for a drink so I suggested we head over to The Wit and check it out.  So glad I did, because I met scamp!

You know how there are some people you meet and just bond with instantly?  Well this is how I felt when I met scamp.  I told some fun stories, asked questions, and possibly made fun of the idiot who invited 10 other people along with him to the private event.  scamp and I could talk about everything except what she did for work and who employed her which honestly made me 10x's more interested in getting clues out of her.  She ended up adding me on to the Ambassador list and I was able to go out to dinner with them the following night at Proseco.  We had a blast despite the fact that I spilled proseco all over scamp while making wild hand gestures.  The dinner was pretty eventful in itself, all of the Ambassadors shared their similar feelings of disbelief in the project.  The other two ambassadors were Tyler who was a guy from a small town just excited about technology and very confused about the buffalo on the menu.  Nina was unintentionally hysterical and can be summed up in one phrase, The perky blond.  scamp asked Nina, why she flew out from Ohio if she was so skeptical and under the assumption that she probably was going to get her kidney's stolen in the middle of the night.  Nina's eyes searched the ceiling for the proper answer then shrugged and responded nonchalantly, "Well my kidney's aren't that great anyway." 

We had so much fun those two days that I was deeply disappointed when I found out I was going to miss scamp's May trip to Chicago for a private KIN concert.  She was equally disappointed and so she pulled some strings and requested I be flown out for the NYC Concerts.  It worked out perfectly and I flew out to meet her three weeks later.  I had no idea what was going to happen on this trip other than we were going to dinner Saturday night before going to see The Ting Ting's at an undisclosed location.

There is no way that I could have imagined a more random and fun trip to the Big Apple.  I got to the W in Midtown just as scamp and Brendan were headed out for a shopping trip in the meatpacking district.  I checked in and rushed up to my room to change into more comfy clothes and head out.  After 2minutes of introductions we were all chatting away about the concert that night, people on the street, and clothes.  Brendan had to go back and set up so he left scamp and I to wander around.  She was on the hunt for comfy shoes and on our walk/subway ride to 5th Ave area of town we encountered some interesting people.

There was an old creepy woman who leaned towards us and snapped her over sized dentures shut as she walked passed us.  She looked like she was about to take my earring off with her incisors. 

On the Subway a normal athletic looking woman had about 5 black gallon trashbags. Four looked pretty fluffy and the other looked like there was a dead body inside.  It was holding something soggy and definitely wet because of the squishing noises it was making as she slapped it all over the floor.  Watching her walk up the steps made me pretty anxious, her weight was not even 1/16th of the weight she seemed to be lugging around.

In the Subway car we were standing close to a woman who didn't seem to grasp the concept of "don't lean on the doors" and she also underestimated the need to hang on to something.  She was flying all over the place and running into people one car away.

After our shopping trip we had about 1hr to rush back to Midtown and get dressed up for the concert and make it to dinner on time.  We were running into the hotel in quite a hurry.  In our haste we passed right by some of scamp's co-workers who asked her what the plan was for the evening.  I know I smelled like sweat, dirt, and American Airlines leather seats at this point in the day.  We backtracked to talk to them and I was pretty shocked to see Dreamy Derek, a guy I had recently become friends with on Facebook at the suggestion of scamp.  He had a Bradly Cooper coif going on with his hair, his eyes look like crystal blue pools, and his smile would make any girl turn bright red.  We did introductions and I was cringing inside trying to look away and counting down the getting dressed minutes I was forgoing standing here.  We decided to meet in the lobby in 20min.  WHAT?!   I had to mentally rush through all the options I had in my bag while I was rinsing off the NYC street smell.  I picked an outfit and ran downstairs.  Even though I made it out in record time I was still about 7min late ok maybe 10.  We went to dinner at a fabulous sushi restaurant, Jewel Bako in the East Village.  At the dinner party was scamp, Dreamy Derek, and Maxi.  I'm not sure how it started, considering I wasn't drinking at any point before this moment, but I started to jokingly talk in a Mexican accent, imitating Gloria from Modern Family.  Trust me, I do weird things when I'm nervous and there is silence to be filled.  When we finished dinner Max-a-million, scamp, and I went off to the Ting Ting's concert and Derek went to The Black Key's.  I have to say I was pretty giddy when he sent me a text saying "See you at the Black Keys."  I knew I was going to be impatient for this concert to be over the moment we walked in.  To distract myself from being an over texter Max and scamp suggested that I put my fake Mexican accent to work on Max's friend Devlin.  There was no way I could keep that going and I kept slipping up and Devlin eventually pulled Max aside and said "She looks Mexican but I don't think that's her real accent!  She is conning you guys."  The joke was on him but I still turned red.

The concerts were amazing and the list of celebs in attendance was pretty ridiculous.  After a long long night of celebrity sightings and shimmy shaking we all made it home.  The following day I called scamp when I woke to see how she was feeling and she invited me to Starbucks to snack n' chat.  We sat on the steps of a Catholic church and she told me about her adventure back to the hotel.  When scamp got home she left her tiny wallet in the cab and managed to walk out with only her company credit card.  Not good when you need your photo ID for the flight home.  The cab company is supposed to drop all lost articles at the police station.  So she asked me to go with her to the Midtown Police Station to file a report. 

When we walked into the police station they had just made an arrest.  A man tried running off with a handful of candy and snickers bars from a store.  Mind you the store happened to be across the street from the police station.  When we walked in a tall giant of a police officer said "What can we do fuh ya ladies?"  scamp repeated her story and he told us to take a seat while they dealt with the thief who was now so nervous and upset he had given himself an uncontrollable nose bleed.  "Oh come on man!" was heard in the background as we tried to sneak peaks over our shoulders.  You could tell the police officers were pretty glad two well dressed ladies walked in and just needed a simple report filled out since they were starting to gather and tease us.

We sat down with one officer and two others came over to see what was happening.  They asked us where we went last night, what we were doing, how her wallet was stolen etc. etc. etc.  Then one of the police officers came over and I couldn't help but ask questions about the arrest.  He told me that they were lucky it was just a nose bleed and not a "piss your pants situation."  Both of our jaws dropped and he says "What you two nevah pissed yo pants?"  Both of us muttered "uhh no.  gross."  The police officer Mike who sounded like he was from Long Island says "I don't believe you two!  Er-re-body pee's dah pants sometimes."  We both are nervously laughing then he starts running through the questions on the list.  "What city do you live in?"  Officer Mike asked, after scamp responded he looks at me and says "And you?"  I'm confused why do I have to respond?  I say "I'm living in Chicago."  This brings on a million questions about how we know each other, what we do for a living, and if we need a kept man.  We somehow end up talking about the KIN and trying to sell them one.  It didn't work they were a bit more interested in getting more information out of us.

"Where did you lose the property?" then the kicker question "Are you in a gang?"  We both erupted laughing and Officer Mike says "What?!" We say "Are you serious?"  We start joking back that we're in the JCrew gang, and the cupcake posse.  When we look at the report it really does say "Gang?" then the next question was "Do you have any tattoos?"  The guys are openly flirting now and asking us when we are going to come back to NYC.

The guys are laughing and we're having a good time.  Then the large tower of an officer walks over and says "Aeeee Steph-a-nee the perp left you a message."  He slides over a piece of paper and under his arrest report it says "Call me Stephanie..."  It was just a copy of the real report but it was hilarious because for a second we weren't sure what was going on.  The confused and shocked looks on our faces prompted them to tell us that they were joking.  We left the precinct in good spirits because Officer Mike and scamp had bonded so well that he felt the need to call his 2nd cousin, Frankie, who works for homeland security. Officer Mike gave scamp his cousins phone number just in case any "situations" came up when she tried to board her flight.  Luckily her Costco Card got her through security and she didn't have to make the call to Frankie.  She did however have to call her Fiance and explain the insanity that occurred in the last 24hrs.  I can't wait for my next encounter with scamp!

The Clown on my Flight

Two years ago I was supposed to go to Costa Rica but because of work I had to skip the trip.  So in December of '09 I got a message that I had two months to book a flight with my $650 credit.  Which was a nightmare in itself.  Spirit Airlines has to be the most ridiculous airline I have ever flown.  They charge you for everything but oxygen.  Don't fly Spirit if you can avoid it.

After about three months of trying to figure out who could go with me to the Bahamas my Dad, my Step-Mom, and my little sister agreed to come with me.  I was a bit skeptical because I had not traveled with them since I was in the 8th grade.  All in all a successful trip!  A few minor annoyances, a room mix up, my dad snores like a train, and my little sister had a teenager 'tude moment.  I'm sure that I was really annoying too since I can be pretty bossy.  But those tiny things seemed like nothing compared to going Jet Skiing, Swimming with Dolphins, Running into the water at night, getting grillz, and spending time with my little sister. 

The weirdest part of my trip was actually on my way home.  There was a mix up in seating and a tall lanky man had to be moved to the middle seat next to me so that a woman and child could sit together.  He made a spectacle getting from the middle seat of row 10 to row 9 due entirely to his overstuffed black duffel bag.  When the flight attendant said, "Sir would you like me to put that in the overhead bin for you?"  He said, "No I want to keep it near me."  A man with an affinity for his bag and overly large legs, means zero leg room for me.  It was tempting to offer the aisle seat to lanky but the window seat guy was large, irritable, and quite grumpy and I wanted none of that.

Lanky took a good 5minutes to get settled in and spent the majority of that time trying to get his black duffel under the tiny Spirit seats.  After he was done I let out a slight "whooo" sigh and thus began my conversation with lanky.  He turned and with gusto in his voice said, "I know it's a huge bag!  What's your name?" Turns out he was quite the Chatty Guy.  He asked me what I did, how my trip was, and regular flight conversation questions. Then I returned the line of questioning but we only got to the first question because he said that he was an animal trainer.  Even Grumpy in the window seat was now intrigued and he got into the conversation and into a better attitude.  We were asking all kinds of questions about training animals.  Then I asked the next logical question, "What kind of animals do you own?"  Then Lanky said, "Oh, mainly large animals, I can show you a few small ones."  Double take.  Did he really just say "show?"  I thought there was no way he really said show but he began to huff and puff trying to get the black duffel out.  I feel my body temperature rise and I start to panic a little bit.  This guy is a bit odd and now he wants to show us his pets?  Grumpy tried to tell him it wasn't necessary, I was getting a bit squeamish and said "Maybe we shouldn't do this on a plane."  Then I hear some rattling and moving in this box he started to remove from his bag and I'm about to scream.  Lanky says "Come on you two where is your sense of adventure?"  Grumpy tries to tell him that it is probably against airline policy to have pets on the flight.  I unbuckled my seat belt.  Grumpy was pressed against the window and was starting to gradually raise his voice as Lanky opened the box!

Snakes exploded out of the box!  Colorful fake snakes with springs in them to be exact.  Grumpy shouted like a little kid and I covered my face with my arms.  The trick didn't go over well at all.  Grumpy was now extra grumpy especially because people were laughing all around us.  I'm not sure if Lanky really was an animal trainer but he definitely was a clown.







If you want to play this trick on anyone he did let me know you can find these snakes on Amazon.

Jenny The Jerk

So today was a particularly rough morning.  I am a part of a Run Club and I have a tough time participating since it occurs at 5am.  It starts at 5:30am but it takes me a good 10min to wrestle with my thoughts on whether or not I have a good reason to skip out.  Today I lost the thought match and went.  I had not seen everyone in about 3 weeks so we were all catching up before Jerry! got there.  Jerry! needs an exclamation point after his name because anything less would not do his outrageously gay personality justice.  He shouts "Jerry's Here!" in an almost showtune manner then in singsong says "WHO'S READY TO RUH-UUN!!" 

There are 7 people in the group but I mostly chat with Sam and Ron.  Sam lives in my building he is your typical "I ate too much while my wife was pregnant" guy.  Very dry British sense of humor and some interesting running quirks.  Him and I became good friends earlier in the summer when Run Club started because we were always in last place.  Then we became great friends when my knee gave out and I accidently de-pantsed him on Lakeshore Drive while trying to grasp for something before I ate pavement.  He now runs behind me and his wife tells him to 'wear the good underwear' to go run. 

Ron is a 6'7 African American, former college basketball player who walks while we all run.  His legs start where my chest begins.  Ron and I met prior to run club, but I told him to join because his girlfriend was trying to lose weight.  She used to shout at him in Spanish and we became friends because I was able to decode what she was saying.  She later decided running was not for her.  He still comes to run/wak because he's technically supposed to wait on running until he's completed rehab for his busted knee.  I'm sure when it's better he'll be in the 7min mile group.

So when I got to Run Club, which is one block away from my apartment, I came up behind everyone and shouted as if I was Jerry!  Everyone laughed except for someone I'll call Jenny.  Jenny is awkward, rude, and mean.  In our entire class not one person likes her and if you let her speak to you for too long she'll walk away leaving you feeling insecure and uncomfortable.  I try to be nice to her since I can tell she just hasn't been "socialized" and lacks social conversational skills.  Jenny usually comes to run club looking like Under Armour threw up on her.  Her dyed blond hair is perfectly coifed, she has a full face of make-up, and a variety of designer jewelry on.  I on the other hand usually come in wrinkled t-shirts, sports watch, and 'I just woke up' hair.  Jenny probably wakes up at 4am to get all dolled up and we have concluded that this might be why she is in a bad mood every morning.  Sam believes differently.  He said "She's married, she knows that she never has to get another person to like her ever again."  We have labeled her Jenny the Jerk because she is rude to everyone but she especially has it out for me.

I'm not quite sure why she likes to pick on me since I am in a good mood (I'm a morning person), I don't talk to her (No one does) and I look awful (Zero competition for her).  She tends to give backhanded compliments like "You look good today for a change."  Or she makes snide remarks about what people wear "Wow, Shana with that purple combo we have a stuffed dinosaur leading our group today."  She reminds me of my elementery school bully Elizabeth.  Elizabeth hit her growth spurt early so she was about a foot taller than everyone including the boys and was stronger than the Hulk.  She used to push me around and call me shrimp.  One day our teacher called us all out by full name...Elizabeth Ann Townsend.  E.A.T.  As soon as I worked those initials into a few snarky comments the bullying relationship was flipped and I was able to enjoy eating in the cafeteria and running around on the blacktop with no fear.

As our running group was waiting for Jerry! 4 of us were catching up and discussing what I had missed out on when Jenny showed up.  She saw us talking and decided she wanted to engage and interupt our conversation.
"Well Well look who is back.  Someone decided to get out of bed...Barely."
"Yeah, I tried to get as much sleep as possible in before I had to wake up.  I'm back in action and ready to run!" I responded as chipper as possible.  The good old kill 'em with kindness trick that never seems to work.
The group picks up where we left of and we continue talking about my trip to the Bahamas.
Out of left feild comes..."Wow Clara you are such an attention whore...let someone else talk"
Sam who never speaks up shouted "Woah!  We asked her to tell us about the trip."
She sniped back "Goodness take a joke Sammy Boy"  A nickname I'm sure he dislikes because he rolled his eyes as he was turning away from the creepy intruder.
I was trying to keep my cool but starting to get a bit irked.  "Well I have been gone for 3 weeks...lots to chat about."  I choose to turn completely around to avoid any eye contact with her and Ron tries to sneakily box her out of the conversation circle.  So awkwardly the three of us are facing Shana.  Ron, Sam, and I glance at each other and chuckle a bit.  She does make Run club interesting. 


Then I hear her get one last jerk remark out.  "Well you've obviously been eating well on vacation, now we know why you're back...Time to run off the junk in the trunk." 
My eyes widen and the fire in my stomach (which could be because I didn't eat breakfast) ignited and I whip my pony tail around to face her.
I'm assuming Ron didn't know what to do because he put his arm out to block me and came in with a "Woahhhh"  
I shouted over him, "YOU ARE......(Very Long Pause. She's an idiot why am I so upset?  Do I want to go there?  Keep it Classy.) "SO DEMOTIVATING!"
A deranged sorority girl told me I was huge and I decided to attack her motivational skills.  Awesome. 

I'm mad but I see Ron and start to hold back a smile at how ridiculous what I just said was.  Then Ron breaks into a laugh.  The circle breaks into laughter.

Jenny is the only one at this point not laughing.  Probably because she isn't sure what to say.  I may not have told her off but I did succeed in confusing her.  As she was regaining her thought process and I was thinking of what I wanted to say, Jerry! ran up behind us all.  "JERRRRRRRY'S HERE!"

"WHO IS READY TO RUN!"  We all take off running and I was so upset that I beat Jerry! our pace leader.  For 4 miles I ran between all my emotions, anger at Jenny, anger at myself for letting her bother me, and then happiness.  I might have even started laughing at the thought of what had just happened.  I had gained weight and Jenny pointed that out, maybe not in a nice way, but she gave me energy.  I ran the fastest 4 mile pace, since I had started running.  Jenny was unusually at the back of the pack.

At the end of class I was grabbing water with Ron and Sam.  Guys don't really like to rehash things especially not fights, unless of course they were not involved.

Sam cautiously came up next to me and said, "Wow.  You ran really fast you should get pissed off more often."  I was quick to justify myself "I just had energy, I wasn't mad!"  Ron laughingly says "You weren't mad?  That wasn't your mad face?" 

"I was just flustered."

Ron was amused at my response so he said, "Flustered?  Man you looked like you were about to snap a bitch in half!  I was ready for her to finally get told off! Then the worlds longest angry pause just so we could hear demotivation pop out your mouth. Your little 'What Would Jesus Do' moment cost you some street cred girl."

Sol Part 1

I have a neighbor, he is not your average neighbor.  He is 80yrs old, short, Jewish, is balding, and has a bit of a 'tude.  I can't exactly remember when or how we started to talk but when we did it then turned into a unique friendship.  Most Tuesday nights I spend hanging out with Sol watching movies, going for (short) walks, looking at old photos, or drinking wine.  Some of my friends who know about my relationship with him think it's strange, but it truly isn't. I don't really feel like he is that old.  I was able to convince him to take a painting class, take a cooking class with me and ask a woman in our building out on a date.  He has such a young spirit and comments that come out of his mouth crack me up.  Here are some his all time best statements:

My fortune cookie read "An interesting musical opportunity is in your near future."  His response was "You can't really sing so I think that means this food is going to give you gas!"

His thoughts on the men in Bucktown "All these guys look like idiots their pants are too tight and most of them have nothing to be proud about."

Advice in dating "Be home by 9 that is when respectable girls come home.  Don't chew gum, only street walkers chew gum.  Don't kiss on the first date he'll think you're easy.  You'll never meet a nice Jewish man if you don't lower your height requirement."

When I thought someone broke into my apartment "You're gonna give me a heart attack.  I think God brought you into my life to kill me." 

Religious Beliefs "You need to convert to Judaism, because the men are better.  You will have to get used to someone less than 7feet tall."

When I was going to pass up dessert he said  "Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you," to dessert that night. And for what!"

The reason I bring Sol up is because I read him my blogs and tell him about my dates.  He's become part of my life and a part of my story.

Two months ago I told him I was going to NYC, Scottsdale, and DC all in the Month of May.  He said that he wished he traveled more when he was younger, and now that he is old he cannot do it.  I dislike the word can't, it shouldn't be in people's vocabularies.  So I went into pep talk mode and told him that he was not too old and it was not too late for him to travel around.  He told me I was crazy and that he would maybe go next year.  So I said to him "Isn't your favorite quote "What if you died tomorrow?  Wouldn't you have wished you lived it up?"

We sat there in silence and I realized that I can say this to my friends to get them to do stay longer and keep dancing but telling an 80yr old man who really might die tomorrow was pretty insensitive.  Just when I though I might have upset him he said "Where should I go?"  I decided to help him research places and he decided on a trip to San Diego and Temecula Valley.  He asked me if I knew any good travel agents which prompted me to laugh at him.  I told him that I would book his trip for him.  I booked his return flight for May 16th so that he and I could share a cab back into the city.

When May 16th rolled around he never showed up.  I waited by his gate and he never got off the flight.  Sol also thinks that I received a degree in technology because I understand how to operate an iPhone, I have a "faceplace", and I can walk to and from our apartments and my internet still works.  It's a miracle!  Since I had no idea how to contact a guy with no cell phone I just had to wait patiently.  Patience isn't my strong suit.  The gate agents had no information and could not tell me if he boarded his flight without a police warrant.  I was tempted to file a missing persons report but decided to just wait one day.  He probably missed his flight and would come home later.  On my cab ride home my vivid imagination kicked into high gear.  Somehow I came to 1 of 4 conclusions each ending with his death due to awful driving, being hard of hearing, or just being old.

After 4hrs of coming to my worst conclusions I called his hotel, the hospitals in the surrounding area, and the airline to see if he changed his flight.  No such luck.  He had checked out but did not tell anyone where he had gone.  About 4 days later his son came around asking where he was and I had to fess up that I had booked him and Barb (the woman he went on a date with) on a trip to California and they had not returned.  After my verbal lashing from his late 50's son I felt guilty and awful that something had happened to him.  It wasn't until exactly one week later that I got a post card the same day he showed back up to our apartment building.  He said he was "living it up" and had decided to take a ride on Highway 1 up along the coast and would be flying back from San Francisco.  The guy who didn't want to go anywhere was now taking road trips.  When we finished discussing his trip I said "Well now it's my turn to tell you that you almost gave me a heart attack!"  His response "Don't worry about me.  Worry about finding a boyfriend...did you meet anyone while I was gone?"