Mal Pais Surf Camp

Surf Camp was an adventure in itself.  The photo on the left is our house we stayed in at Surf Camp.  Getting to surf camp was half the battle.  One of the ferry's was out so we had to travel 2 extra hours to get to Mal Pais.  In the line to pay for the ferry I met a really cool couple.  A guy named Spoon and his girlfriend Trish.  Spoon looked like a weathered piece of leather, had huge missoni sunglasses, board shorts and a tan better than any Jersey Shore cast member.  Trish was petitie, vivacious, and had bright blue eyes.  She was also quite a talker, which probably comes as a result of being in the film industry.  She is a documentary film maker/producer.  After five minutes of talking to them I offered them a ride so they did not have to take the bus.  I realized only after the offer that I probably should have asked Kris who might not have been as receptive to this random gesture.  Luckily after meeting them he was fine with the deal and didn't think I was insane (if he did he didn't vocalize it).  They turned out to be a really cool people.  Trish was a documentary film maker and Spoon owns Kona Microbrewery home of the Long board Ale.  We got to Mal Pais and Trish's description of a Mad Max scene was accurate.  There were people riding around on ATV's with ski goggles and their kids were perched in front of them.  Motorcycles were zooming around passed us and only 10% of the roads there were paved.  Everyone walking around had board shorts, dreads or long hair, and no shoes on.  Kris and I instantly realized that we did not exactly belong.  I doubt anyone in this town worked more than 4hrs a day, owned a suit, or knew what was going on outside of the small surf town.  Our first day there we were unable to surf because the waves were too high so we spent the day walking around the town, going to the beach, and just relaxing.  It was much needed after our last few action packed days.

Some funny things that happened....

Surfer Talk
On the way to dinner our surfer friend from Surf Camp was coming back from the beach and said "Dudes!  There is a giant ass sea turtle just chillin on the beach if you want to go check it out."

Euchre
One night we played cards with a couple from Ohio which was fun because I had no idea how to play Euchre so I learned.  After I got the hang of the game and we were doing well we started to lose really badly.   I was just thinking about the odds and it was strange that I received zero face cards when the couple was dealing.  I said something like "Wow this is actually amazing that I have not had one face card in the last several hands.  So strange."  To my comment the female part of the group says "Well I'm not cheating, I mean I tried to learn to cheat once and I couldn't even get that right."  Followed by a nervous laugh.  I found that really odd and almost said "If you have to cheat to win that just means you're an even bigger loser."  Considering they didn't know me and I can sometimes be a bit too harsh I decided to keep the comment to myself.  After we lost the last game miserably we decided to call it quits.  As soon as the game was over we shook their hands and wished them a great trip tomorrow.  When Kris and I were walking over to the pool table his cool demeanor has transitioned to a blazing fire and he says "I can't believe how BAD those people were cheating!!"  Looking back she was staring at the cards as she shuffled, organizing in a certain way after the deck was cut, and doing some other shady stuff.  It was kind of funny that after all the things that had happened cheating is what got Kris fired up. 

Surf Instructor Teal
When we went out into the water with Teal our surf instructor he and I were talking about the current and the waves and he kept repeating how "strange" they looked and how it was not normal for Mal Pais to look this way.  With all his "crazy wave" talk I was starting to get scared.  I don't like the open water probably as a result of watching Jaws at a young age and all those Tsunami's and natural disasters happening around the country I didn't know what to expect.  So before I let my irrational fear get the best of me I decided to ask what was on my mind.  "Teal, Do you think there is a Tsunami coming?"  He looked at me as if he was checking to see if I was joking and said "Absolutely not Clara." 

After the 2nd hour in the water I started to feel like a fresh ripe grape that had turned into a raisen.  The salt water had sucked the water out of me and punched me several times in the stomach, legs, and arms.  I went to look at my watch and said "Oh my gosh my watch is busted.  We have been out here 2hrs already."  To which Teal said "Surfers don't wear watches.  Take that off"

When I started to get pretty good and was able to get up every time Teal took me out past the second break I started to get a bit nervous and he kept telling me to ditch my board on really big waves.  When he told me to get ready to take the next wave he also gave me a look of fear.  He said "This one might be alot bigger than you're used to but you can do it just pay attention and listen to me."  He shouted "PADDLE!"  So I started to paddle.  He started to scream "Harder, Paddle Faster!!"  The under current was sucking the board back and into the wave so strongly my paddling wasn't doing anything.  Then all I heard was "ARCH YOUR BACK!" I started to take off and I didn't hear "JUMP UP" so I did it anyway.  It was a bit too early and I didn't get all the way up before the wave knocked me down.  I started to tumble and made it all the way to the ocean floor and hit the only rock in the area.  I bruised and scrapped up both knees pretty well but it did earn me some surfer credit.  I turned around to Teal's shocked face and he half heartedly gave me the "Hang Ten" sign. 

The second to last wave of the day we tried going out and getting another "big one."  I listened to his comands and jumped up on the board but it didn't feel right.  I didn't make it past the wave breaking and I felt like it was a really heavy wave as I looked back I noticed I was dragging Teal.  His leg had gotten caught up in my ankle strap and he was almost under my surf board. 

Howler Monkeys
I can't explain howler monkeys or do them justice even with the phrase "They sound like the Devil's house pets."  Here is a link Howler Monkeys they were nightmare neighbors but awesome alarm clocks. 

Lessons Learned
Even though it seems like my trip was just a series of crazy stories it was relaxing and I did get something very valuable from it.  My past experiences had created a low expectation for future boyfriends and I realized that people have different kinds of qualities.  All men aren't idiots, they aren't all thoughtless, and you don't have to speak a certain language to get across what you want.  Through Kris I picked up a few qualities that I know I would like in a partner.  He always made sure I was comfortable (was I hot/cold, did I sleep well, did I want him to get my sunblock from the room, served me first before himself), he walked in front of me on the dirt road so he would be the one to get hit by a car or motorcycle, he paid attention to what I liked (he got me coffee the way I like it by the time I sat down at breakfast without me even asking), he is honest and trustworthy, and most importantly he was polite to everyone (even the cheaters).  I truly hope everything works out with him and that special someone but if it doesn't I'm sure he will find someone equally as fantastic as himself!  And of course I look forward to future Adventures with my newest travel partner....Muchas Gracias Señor!

Costa Rican Police

Driving in Costa Rica is pretty dangerous.  There are thousand foot embankments, zero guard rails, and an people walking along the sides of the roads which makes it quite difficult for two cars.  Kris drove the entire time which I am thankful for because I probably would have had a panic attack, killed us, or both.  We had driven almost 400KM with no problems until we were coming back from Mal Pais.  After getting off the ferry we were anxious to get to our hotel and relax.  We found that the roads from Puntarrenas to San Ramon were pretty tricky but it was because the semi's on the road were going so slow.  We were stuck behind 3 huge trucks and Kris decided to make his move around them with zero traffic coming towards us.  However, there was a cop right at the corner who was anxious to pull someone over.  As soon as we passed him I looked back and he had jumped into his car and turned his lights on.  Police officers in under developed countries generally are a really horrible group of people to deal with and are often on some serious power trips.  Our police officer was no exception.  As soon as he pulled us over I rolled down my window to do the talking.  The conversation was held in Spanish.

Me:  Hola
Police: What's wrong with you?  Why did you pass on a curve don't you know it's illegal?
Me:  We didn't see any signs and there was no oncoming traffic and a guy had just done it before us.
Police:  Why do you speak Spanish?  And where are you going?
Me:  My family is from Mexico and we're going to San Jose
Police:  Have you been pulled over before?
Me:  No this is our first time
Police:  How long have you been here and when do you leave?
Me:  We have been here for 7 days and we leave tomorrow
Police:  So you should know the rules of the road by now!! [Pointing at Kris] I want his drivers license and passport.  I'm giving him a ticket.  The ticket can be paid in San Jose and his license can be picked up on Monday in court.  The ticket will be 600,000 colones (roughly $1,000)
Me:  Aye Dios!  Please don't write the ticket, we can't stay until Monday [Time to start being dramatic]
Police:  That's not my problem!  He should have thought about that before he passed those trucks! Wait here and translate for your friend I'm going to get your license plate number.

I translate for Kris and he is almost zen like.  We'll figure it out, no big deal.  After 5min the Police officer comes back. 
Police:  [Writing away on his computer screen]
Me:  Sir, is there any way we can do this without you taking his license he needs it when he goes to New York tomorrow to the hospital. 
Police:  The Hospital?
Me:  Yes....[huge gulp, eyes squint, mouth puckers] He has cancer
Police:  Really?  [Looking very skeptical] What kind of cancer?
Me:  Ummm Throat Cancer.
Police:  Is that why he doesn't speak?
Me:  Yes it's great for me I get to talk alot...and well he doesn't know Spanish so he can't really speak to you.  He needs his identification for his cancer treatments at the hospital.
Police:  [stares at me a long time...then his hard expression softens] Well I know of a healer in San Ramon where you all are passing through.  He's from Panama, do you want me to give you his information?  He helped my dad out who had cancer internally as well.  I feel very bad for your situation I'm going to lower your ticket to $800 USD
Me:  [upset that was not exactly the response I was hoping for]  Yes!  That would be great, my step dad had cancer before and he went to someone in Mexico who helped. 

We end up talking for about 5min about "curanderos" healers and tips and tricks for cancer patients and what herbs to eat etc.  I decide to go ahead and ask him for a "favor" after we spent all this time chatting and he had stopped writing the ticket.

Me:  Sir, is there ANY way that we could maybe bypass the ticket.  It would really be a blessing if you did.

[I start talking again while he is waiting for his screen to change on his little ticket machine and I tell him that tickets in the United States aren't even this expensive.  Then I went a round about way of asking if there was ANY other way to handle this situation]

Police:  Is it very expensive?
Me:  Yes like $50 for parking and $75 for speeding
Police:  Well how much for passing on a curve?
Me:  I don't know, I haven't had a ticket in more than 7yrs
Police:  Well I feel very bad
Me:  Yeah it's a very sad situation....Is there any way that maybe we could pay you so we don't have to go to the station in San Jose?
Police:  Well what if you just paid me $200USD
[Sweet!  I decide my goal is to get him down to $125]
Me:  $50
Police:  $150
Me:  $75?
Police:  $125?
Me:  $100 and that's all we have
Police:  Ok...
Me:  Kris...give me $100 USD
Kris:  What?
Me:  He is going to give your passport, waive the ticket, and give your license back if you give him $100 USD.
Kris:  Wow.  Ok that works for me.  Can you ask him if I can go to the trunk of the car?
[Kris comes back with 50,000 colones which is about $100 USD.  The police officer rolls it up puts it in his pocket, deletes the electronic form, hands Kris' information back to me, and gives me a small lecture on why he did what he did.]

Police:  I'm going to make this go away but do NOT be passing on curves, do not be speeding, and make sure to visit the man from Panama to heal your friend.  I'm only doing this because of the cancer and because you speak Spanish.  I can't understand English so I always write the tickets.

I always get anxiety when I lie and this was no exception.  After we drove off I became really worried that I was going to get cancer for telling that whopper of a lie.  But after a few minutes of Kris patting my back and rationalizing in my head that the man accepting the bribe canceled out my cancer lie.  I decided my Karma was just fine and I felt better.  I did say a quick prayer just in case though.

The Canopy Tour

Canopy Tour with JWBender99 & Raquel
On Sunday we had quite an action packed day.  After ATV riding we left to go on our Canopy tour.  It was a slow tourist day for Ecoglide so only 2 other people were in our group, James & Raquel.  Raquel was from Costa Rica and she and James live in California where they met.  Oddly enough Raquel's mother and aunt came along for the trip even though they were not going to ride with us.  It turns Mom and Aunt were integral parts to this vacation since they were 2 of 3 videographers! James & Raquel had video taped EVERYTHING from their trip and now they were going to do the same with the canopy tour.  Her mom got one angle, the aunt was taking photos, and James was using his Flip cam to get the whole scene. 

At some point in the journey we became part of this action and started getting interviewed.  They video taped me coming in from a particularly long zip line and when I landed on the platform I found a video camera inches away from my face and James asking "CLARA?!  How was it?!  How do you feel?  Still scared of heights!! WOOOO YEAH!"  I had no idea what to say so I just said "WOW!  Well that was awesome" and tried to turn away.  There was no escaping from James since he followed me to the next zip and said "Clara are you nervous?  What up...are you going to rock this or what?!"  Then Kris came in and James walked around me to video and narrate.  "Here comes Kris!...the man!  Yeah check that guy out."  Kris was hamming it up and as he slid into the platform he said "Comin' in hot!"  No idea what that meant but James loved it.  There were a few times when James was so busy getting safety checked that he forgot to video Raquel.  Both of them at times shouted at each other "GET THE VIDEO!!!  TURN THE CAMERA ON!!!  GET THE VIDEO BABE!!"  They also shouted down instructions to her family members, who they thought were within hearing distance a few hundred feet below, to get multiple shots for the final video. 

At the 9th zip line James informed us that we were going to be a part of their You Tube video and he promised to upload it soon. "It'll be on my You Tube name JWBender99...here write it down!"  Both Kris and I were really excited that they were so sweet to include us but unsure of what this video would entail since we later saw them at the hot springs and Raquel's mom was getting action shots of them under the waterfall making out with them shouting between takes "Ready babe?!  Ready?  MOM GET THE VIDEO!!!"

The Adventures of Kris & Clara

On Monday March 8th I was on GMail chatting with my friend Kris who is far away at business school.  We started talking and before I knew it we were discussing the possibility of going to Costa Rica.  He was going to be on Spring Break and I need to get out Chicago's cold weather.  After several minutes of contemplating I booked my flight for March 19th!  Kind of crazy considering I can count the number of conversations I have had with Kris on both hands.  Only after I booked my flight did I stop and think "That was impulsive.  This could turn out badly."  As per usual I called my step-dad to discuss my decision.  We had had a discussion two days prior about where to go about finding the 'right' person.  He told me I needed to start trying new things.

I told him what I had planned on doing and his response was "Clara!  I told you to try new things but I didn't think you would be jumping into lake Michigan when it was 30 degrees out or going on trips with guys you don't know that well!"  I could see his eyes popping out and head shaking.  After he told me that he was sure I would have fun no matter what then asked where each of us would be sleeping.  Hmmm not the response I was looking for so I decided to call Alex my girlfriend who is a bit like me and well SUPER fun.  We went to dinner prior to my departure and she said "Just have fun!"  I liked this better so that's what I advice I packed with me.  Our first day it was like a get to know you session although I did most of the talking.  I don't think Kris knew what he was in for until our first day on the trip when an Asian man from another tour was walking towards me and he lunged at me and almost took me down.  As it turns out he had tripped and I just so happend to be there ready to catch him.  In his very thick Japanese accent he said "SO sow-eee....so so sow-ee" I just looked over at Kris and he shook his head in disbelief and said "Woah, you're like a magnet for this stuff"  Thus began the Adventures of Kris & Clara!

There were a ton of fun moments and hilarious stories but I will stick to the highlights which will have to be in a series of posts because the stories are pretty long. 

White Water Rafting Trip
Our first day we decided to go White Water Rafting 5min before the guide came to pick us up.  We ran in a mad dash to change into swimsuits and acceptable clothing.  We jumped in the van to hear "HELLO & WELCOME!" As we sat into our seats we saw that in front of us there was a heavily freckled blond woman about the age of 55 or 60 greeting us.  She shouted her name "HI!  I'm Paula!  You can call me pretty Paula" and then introduced the rest of her family Carly & Mike.  As the rest of the bus started filling up she repeated the process and was determined to get to know everyone.  When two Aussies joined us they asked where she worked and she said 'a library' to which I thought was an odd job choice for someone so incredibly loud but I was also fascinated so I asked her what her favorite book was and she replied "Books are boring!  I read the magazines...I am a pop culture know-it-all."  The Australians gave the "oh these dumb American's look" to which she confessed that she knew it was ridiculous to love pop culture and celebrities that much but she lived in California which somehow made it an acceptable hobby. She then went on to name Australian TV shows that the locals had not even watched along with 4 or 5 Australian celebrities.

By the time we got to the Torro river we were all a bit sick of Party Paula and her inability to speak at a normal level.  I'm thankful that we were not in her raft not because of her constant WooHoo-ing for no reason but because her entire family was incredibly uncoordinated and unable to paddle not only in synchronization but even in the proper direction. The highlight of the rafting trip was after we were back on dry land and drinking beers she proclaimed that this was "the most bitchenest time" she has ever had. 


Depth Perception Problems
This will be a short story and might not translate so well since it was one of those had to be there moments.  Kris & I put our passports and valuable items in an electronic safe in our hotel room and when we needed to get them out we found that it was broken.  Kris called and got the front desk to send someone over.  While we were waiting for them to come we decided to sit on the rocking chairs of our patio and just hang out before our Canopy Tour.  While we were waiting I had remarked that their gutter system and the ability to remove rain water was pretty efficient.  The gutters drained into what looked like a very deep square hole that was dug out and coated in concrete and the drain inside led down to the river at the edge of the hotel property.  The square looked like it was full of murky water with a mossy coat on top it was hard to gauge the depth of the hole.  As we were sitting there waiting, and I was getting more and more restless by the moment I said "Kris, how deep do you think that water is?"  He just shrugged and kind of looked at me.  Then I said "I wonder how deep it is?  I'm going to find out."  I grabbed one of the volcanic rocks and tip toed over to the edge of the square which was circled with exotic flowers.  Kris said nothing but watched.  I threw the rock into the square with force and....CLANK!  My rock tumbled around into the empty dark 2ft deep square.  At this point Kris was laughing almost to the point of tears and I couldn't help but laugh at myself.  So for the rest of the day Kris teased me by asking "I wonder how deep this is?"

The Orange Hand

In my quest for looking as good as possible before I take my chunky monkey booty to Costa Rica I decided to get a spray tan.  A friend of mine once said I smelled like a "wet dog" after doing this but I felt the 6hrs of fake coconut mixed in with self tanner would be worth it.

I had not done a spray tan since December '08 so I was a bit unfamiliar with how exactly to do it.  There are specific rules by the way.  Make sure to READ THE WALL as they tell you when you go in.  I normally go through life thinking I can just wing it, however this should not have been one of those situations.

My former roommate Skipper gave me the run through when we went the first time and I thought I remembered.  Just strip down put the lotion on your feet, hands and anywhere else you don't want to get too tan.  I am right handed so I applied lotion liberally all over said areas.  However I forgot to get the top part of my right hand.  So now the top of my right hand is brownish orange and in between my fingers is pale white!

I'll try and post a photo but I have been scrubbing my hand all day trying to get the orange out!  Does anyone know how to get self tanner off?  

The A-1 Email

Every morning I wake up to my lovely iPhone (yes I got a new one) alarm clock, and then proceed to check any texts and emails I might have received in the 6+ hours of sleep I got that night.  As i was going through my email I scrolled down to see *****@gmail.com What you don't know is that **** is really A-1 Arnold's email address (See Little Bottle of Joy Posting).  As my eyes were scanning the preview in my inbox I almost choked on my mouth guard.  I definitely needed to sit up for this one.  I read the subject line "A-1 Arnold."  I'm thinking to myself...Brace yourself this will be your first piece of hate mail.  Try not to let it hurt your feelings.   

I sat there debating if I should open it or not and finally decided I would get dressed first.  Just kidding!  We all know how impatient I am.  I opened that sucker right after I caught my breath and steadied my heart rate.  Here is what the email said:
(Pieces of the email have been cut out to protect A-1 Arnolds identity)

To The Era of Clara Author

You are hysterical.  Thanks for saving my identity even though [Our mutual friend] is probably your only reader that I know.  I hope you are doing well, and had a great couple of trips.  It took me a week to decide to send this E-Mail and I decided that I wanted to say sorry and ask you a question.  It did seem weird when I read the date from your perspective and it is impossible to get anything by your freakish attention to detail.  [Our Mutual Friend] told me about this before I took you out.  I do have to hand it to you though you are much funnier written than you are vocally.  I don't think you could ever tell a joke to save your life but the jokes in your writing are laugh out loud.  On to the question part.  [Our Mutual Friend] tells me you're still single and I wanted to see if you would want to give me one more chance.  I promise this time it will just be the two of us on the date and I will leave my friend A1 at home.  I leave the ball in your court.  If you decide no then thank you for getting me to laugh at myself, and I will forever tell people how I ended up in some good looking girls blog.

- A1 Arnold  

P.S. You are horrible at picking fake names for people...Where did Arnold come from?

I am super glad that it was not hate mail.  Since it didn't work out with the one guy I was hoping for I think it is a possibility.  What do you think should I go on a second date? 

Litter Bug

Ok let me set the scene for you...There are four of us going to a bulls game.  The first two are Jeff and Kelly whom I have met once before this evening.  I don't know very much about them because they are on the 18th floor (They also asked me to change their names).  The individual who invited me is Aaron.  He had an extra ticket to the bulls game and invited me to go along with the group since his very patient girlfriend is out of town.  I get along well with Aaron because he doesn't get his feelings hurt ever and he's got a very dry sense of humor.  He is also the guy at work making bets against me, playing practical jokes, and basically encouraging everyone's gambling.  A little bit about Aaron's personality:  He is a big talker, bit of a people pleaser, loves to talk about how athletic he is (to his credit he is very athletic), and he can't stand being wrong.  Jeff and Kelly are very quiet finance type of people.  For those of you who are in finance or know people in finance you know that there are two main types of people; those who are incredibly wild and mainly count their daredevil activities, and those who think in numbers.  They happen to be the latter. 

So we are on the way to the Bulls game and Aaron is driving his brand new flashy car.  Jeff is in the passenger seat, I am behind the drivers seat and Kelly is behind the passenger seat.  After picking Kelly up and are on our way to the united center the following ensues: 
(Pieces of the conversation have been taken out to condense time and this conversation was not approved by Aaron)

Aaron:  What is that smell?
[no one responds]
Aaron:  Hello?!
Kelly:  Umm Clara is eating an orange
Aaron:  What the hell Clara?!  This is a new car!  You are going to ruin the new car smell.
Clara:  [giggling] Well Aaron.  It's not an orange it's a tangelo
Aaron:  I don't care what it is woman you better not get my car sticky.  Why are you eating anyway?  We are going to eat at the game!  Are you not going to share nachos?  Wow.  Wow.  Wow.  You couldn't wait 30min?
Clara:  I needed a snack! I was starving! Geeeeezus man how does Liz tolerate you!
[I Roll down the window and throw the peel out]
Aaron:  Are you littering?!
Clara:  [Mouth is full]
Aaron:  Kelly!!  What is she doing?
Kelly:  Uhhh uhhh [looking at me for guidance]
Clara:  [Shrugs shoulders]
Kelly:  yes
Aaron:  Yes what?!  Yes she is littering?
Kelly:  Mmm Hmmm
Aaron:  [bangs on steering wheel] What happened to don't 'Mess with Texas!' This is a NEW car.  Brand new.  You're only the third person to ride in it.
**I just know Jeff and Kelly have to be thinking the same thing**
Clara:  Aaron there are 3 of us in the car I was the second to get in.  You're telling me that no one else has been in here besides us in the two months you have owned the car?
Kelly & Jeff:  [Silently Freaking out...or calculating the math not sure]
Aaron:  Whatever.
Clara:  That's right, don't mess with Texas or I will start wiping my hands on your Italian leather seats.  [wave my hands in the rear view mirror]  I have antibacterial and a napkin, don't lose it.  And F.Y.I. boy genius we are in Illinois...[in my best hippie voice ] plus bro it's biodegradable it isn't littering if it will disintegrate and add valuable nutrients to the soil.  So you are the reh-tard.
Aaron:  If we get pulled over are you going to tell the cops that smart ass?
Clara:  yes it's in the littering law.  I'm 100% sure it's fine to throw out food.
Aaron:  I'm so sure you know...
Clara:  My brother is a police officer!
Aaron:  Like that matters.  You're an idiot
Clara:  Stay Classy
Aaron:  You can't say that it doesn't make any sense.


Jeff:  Aaron you are getting pulled over. 
Clara:  What?! [looks back] Oh wow.
Aaron:  CLARA!!!!!  
Clara:  It's fine.  I can talk to him.  No biggie.  We won't get a ticket.  Trust me, you can't say no to this smile! [Smile really big in the rear view mirror]
Aaron:  Well here is your chance big mouth...
Clara:  Ten bucks says I don't get a ticket
Aaron:  You're on
[Aaron proceeds to get more tense as the seconds pass and starts looking over the entire car and searching for his insurance]

Officer:  Son do you know why I pulled you over?
Aaron:  [visibly nervous and stuttering]  SSSSir it was her fault she threw it out the window not me.  [points back at me]
Clara:  [Roll down my window] Excuse me sir.
Officer:  Ma'am? You did what?
Clara:  Hi there...It's not my friends fault.
Officer:  [baffled continues to stare]
Clara:  I was eating a tangelo and I threw the peel out the window at the last stop light.  But. [raises one finger]  It's not considered "trash" [puts both hands up in quotations] because it's biodegradable and if it will disintegrate and act as a fertilizer then it's not litter.
Officer:  You were eating a what?
Clara:  Tangelo.  You know.... it's like a combination of an orange and tangerine.  It's bigger though.  Do you want a piece?
Officer:  [scrunches up face] Um.
Aaron:  [snickering]
Kelly:  [mouth open]
Officer:  [moves back up to the drivers side door]  Son, I pulled you over because your temporary plates have expired. 
Aaron:  Oh, not the litter?
Officer:  No.

After the whole writing of the ticket which Aaron will have to contest in court.  We roll up the windows and the car is silent.  I'm starting to think that Aaron might not take this very well and he will be a downer the rest of the night.  Then....

Clara:  Maybe you can get deferred adjudication... 
Aaron: Sh*t! 
Clara:  I'm sorry.  I really feel bad. 
Aaron:  I don't care about the ticket.
Clara:  Oh
Jeff:  Did you forget the parking pass?
Aaron:  No.  She is going to put this in her blog!

Damn Right!

A Short Date

I have not even started typing and I am already laughing.  When I was around 6 or 7 I had the grand notion that I was God’s favorite.  I mean I was everyone else’s favorite so why wouldn’t I make God’s #1 spot?  Sometimes I still think this is true.  However when you are someone’s favorite they sometimes give you a hard time to show you just how much they love you.  God must have been having a slow day because he decided to play a very fun joke on me.

I have spoken to a few people on this dating website and I finally decided to meet one of the guys.  He set up a date at a wine bar that I like so that was great.  The problem is that I forgot what he looked like from the photos.  After talking with about 20+ guys and trying to keep their online names, email addresses, and phone number separate let alone various conversations it got a bit complicated.  I showed up 5min late and he was not there.  Surprising but not too bad I took a seat at the bar next to a gay couple and sort of close to a good looking guy.  After 15min passed I decided I might as well order a glass of wine.  The gay couple told me all about the wine that they had selected and even let me try a sip.  Very nice.  I honestly think that I might have a magnet located somewhere in my body that attracts gay men to me.   That’s another story, but anyway I ended up ordering their wine and the guy sitting 2 seats away from me tells me I’m making a mistake and I need a “spicy red.”  After he says this I immediately like him.  We end up talking about things as if we were on our own first date.  Then it dawns on me oh my gosh what if this is my date?!

So I ask him if his name is Rocco.  He says "No" in his very Australian accent and I curse myself for thinking that someone named Rocco would be Australian.  We then get into why I am at a wine bar alone.  I tell him that I’m waiting for my date who at this point is now 30min late.  I start having flashbacks of getting stood up in high school.  It is a complete white out outside, maybe he got stuck somewhere.  Then he sends me a text “Hope you haven’t been waiting too long.  Be there in 5min.”  I decide that I am not going to be too judgmental and give this poor guy a break.  I keep chatting Simon up and we are getting along, I almost feel guilty about giving him my phone number but he explains to me that it’s necessary since I have been waiting for 40minutes at this point.  He has long finished his 1/2 bottle of wine but is hanging out to make sure that someone gives this guy a hard time.  Five minutes pass and the door opens.  Before I tell you who walked in I want to describe what my date listed in his profile.  He was 5’9 thin build, and had a head of hair that would get him into any Pantene pro-v commercial.  He also had thick rimmed glasses that made him look a bit like a hipster. 

The guy who walked in was 5’2 and had the build of an 8^th grader who probably couldn't reach the combination to the top locker.  I kept talking to Simon and the couple sitting on my right and then felt a tap on my shoulder.  “Hello there little lady….you must be Clara.”  I turned around with a huge smile on my face only to have it fade away.  Mister 5’2 was tapping me on the shoulder.  I wore ballet flats to the dinner and was still staring straight at his forehead.  This could not be happening.  Simon stands up stares at me completely aghast and then tries desperately to hide his snickering.  He then gives me the international hand gesture sign for "Call Me" before walking behind Rocco and towering over him telling him he should be on time to dates because women are impatient "especially that one" and he points at me.  Nice. 

Not only is my date short but he seems to look nothing like his photos.  Rocco my date also happens to be bald, and is accompanied by the breath of an 80yr old corpse.  I’m not very good at hiding facial expressions so he feels the need to say “Not what you were expecting, huh?”  I was completely in shock and felt absolutely angry that I had left my cozy apartment in a snow storm to meet up with a guy who frankly creeped me out.  

He then proceeded to tell me that he was glad I didn’t run out.  Apparently this happens to him often which rightfully so should happen since he is an outright trickster.  He tells me that he uses old photos and fakes his height because he doesn’t want girls to judge him beforehand.  As opposed to then doing it in person?  I say “So you would rather they ran away from you in person?!”  He takes this in stride and tells me that he hopes I will give him at least 20min before I judge him.  I’m really thinking it’s too late, but I'm tipsy and he was really funny when we spoke over the phone.  He actually has an interesting job and is pretty funny. 

It almost makes me forget he is 5’2 until he folds his legs Indian style in his bar stool chair and tells me that he was tired of his legs dangling from the tall bar stool.  After near chugging of a glass of wine he puts his hands on my shoulder and tells me that I am “smokin’ hot.”  Instead of fielding the compliment it sends a shiver down my spine and my shoulders tremble a little.  I can’t even think of putting my arm on him let alone letting him anywhere near my face.  Luckily he senses my discomfort and throws a couple of jokes out which make me laugh.  However I cannot get over Rocco sitting Indian Style and not being able to reach the first rung on the bar stool.   Next he proceeds to ask for my birth date because he is big into astrology and numerology.  When I tell him my birthday he tells me that he has to call his mother.  I’m baffled but I let him place the call.  The gay couple next to me is nudging me to make my exit telling me they won't judge me.  After he gets on the phone with my mom he proceeds to bash his mom and tell me she is a psycho and her birthday is 2 days after mine.  I am not at all sure how to take this.  He tells me “My mom is a crazy cat lady.  Your odds are pretty likely that you’ll be a cat lady.  Or at least crazy.” 

Yes if I keep going on horrible dates I might become a cat lady.  

I have no clue how to respond.  After a wine flight and a full glass of wine my normally speedy wit has hit a detour and is going through a construction zone.

“Oh really.  Hmmm I wonder how many people were born in the entire month of June that own cats.  I’m sure the probability is pretty high considering there are only 365 days out of the year.”    He does not sense my sarcasm and tells me that I’m good at math.  Now I know he is not a sane man.  I can’t tell at this point if he’s joking or if he really does think his mom is insane or if that is his defense mechanism move to try and make me feel uncomfortable.  

We start wrapping the date up but I am just wondering why he fakes his photos, his height and well just about everything.  I can't keep it in any longer and I say “why did you lie if you are actually funny?  There are also girls who will want to date you.”  He says that he has to lie because that’s the only way girls give him a chance.  That's so upsetting, but hello one of my most irritating friends found her soul mate why can't this smart and funny shorter guy find someone.  He then asks me what I think and I tell him that I find it really irritating that he lied and people probably have different expectations of him.  I also told him that I would not go on a second date.  He stares at me with puppy dog eyes and doesn’t say a word.  I hate empty silences so I’m thinking of what to say.  Right before I spill out that I’m sorry he says “Suit yourself.  I was even going to give you a ride home.”  I almost want to thank him for making me feel less awful about being honesty but I say “Well Thanks for thinking about it!  Goodnight.”  I immediately rush into the first cab that passes by and head straight home.  On the way home I start thinking.
 

Why are his friends not advising him?  Then I start wondering who his friends are?  He was at minimum 3inches taller than all of them in his photos?  And why would they let him go around telling lies to get girls to meet him places?  And if this happened to him frequently why wouldn’t he pick a cheaper place?  And more importantly if you're setting a false expectation then why wouldn't you be on time?  So weird. 

Lesson Learned:  If there is a hot guy at the bar give that man your number even if you are going on another date.  And more importantly...You may get in the front door but you’ll soon be thrown out when people found out how you got there.  Don’t lie.  Ever.  Period.