Pole Dancing with a 65yr Old

Last night it was a co-worker's goodbye party.  The night got started off casually and before we knew it the table of 5 (we won't count Joey Tightpants b/c he didn't drink) consumed 3 bottles of wine.  Yes I call one of my co-workers Joey Tightpants as a result of my Mafia themed party a few weeks ago in another goodbye party for Vincenzo the Asian with the Italian name. 

So back to my story my friend Lucy who has moved back in town from Atlanta decided we should keep the party going.  I was fading but she convinced me it would be "just one drink out."  I have traveled with Lucy and I know "one drink out" really means "I just need to con her into coming out for 1hr then let the fun suck her in."  The following is a part of an email that I wrote my girlfriend in Seattle who wanted a full report after my facebook posting.

OMG!  I made a total fool of myself but it was kind of awesome. So my friend Lucy is very fun and random. I wanted to go home but she conned me into 1 drink out. We went to two bars that were total duds then this doorman at a bar we were walking by said "You'll have fun here, I'll start it off w/2 shots."  Bad decisions starting early.  These two Italian mobster wannabes came over and bought us a drink.  I was annoyed with the conversation they started asking how much money I made then they guessed my age, and wanted me to do a twirl.  They guessed 22.  I'm 24 now by the way.  Very boring conversation so I decided to spice it up.  After they said I looked good I thanked them and I told them I was still losing my baby weight.  I worked at a call center for $12.87/hr and I drink because it's customer service and people tell me their problems. Slick hair left shortly after that. Then before I knew it there was a girl with the microphone who came over to chat with us and she learned my name and later called me up on their crappy stage with 3 poles on it. I brought an old lady in her 60's (weirdest crowd ever) up on stage with me.  I only stayed up there dancing with the old lady for so long because she was showing me up and because the girl with the microphone kept saying "Clara's got skillz!" I have zero sexy and I know it so it's OK.  I now have pole burn on my hands.

 

Then we played beer pong with some guys, I found out the guy who kept trying to kiss me had a girlfriend so on our walk home he wanted to stop in CVS and I wanted to stop and teach him a lesson. I said that I knew he had a girlfriend and I wouldn't let him walk me home because I knew deep down he was a terrible person. He just stared at me and then I shouted at 1:30am in a semi-busy CVS "It's YOUR BABY and I'm KEEPIN IT!!!!!" and I walked off.

 

I then called a few people and left really insane vmails on their phones. My friend Ron got a Spanish lady asking him to "peek up de fon..."  Then for some crazy reason I called Dreamy Derek b/c I figured he would be up since it was early west coast time. He was also tipsy or he said that to make me feel better and I don't know what we talked about for 41min but at one point in the conversation I told him that he was a liar. Terrible idea.  I also ate my way through a Trader Joe's Mac n' Cheese thing while chatting, they are amazing but probably meant for 2 people to eat.

 

Then I passed out. But I did manage to wash my face.

Lesson(s) Learned: 

1. Don't go to a bar called Shenanigans without your own
2. Just because a 22yr old with hot pink net gloves, sparkly hot pants, and a microphone cheers you on doesn't mean you have dance "skillz."  
3. Don't ever try to show up a woman in a sequin jacket and an AARP card.
4. Public Humiliation is fun and effective