Spaz Out

Well one of the main reasons I wrote this blog is because of a certain someone who broke my heart.  I thought writing would be cathartic and help me sort out what I want in a partner.  Lately it has been great to go on dates and have a good time with other people.  It's kind of tricky though going on these dates and having to omit the last 3.5yrs of my life, or cautiously use the phrase "my friend" when talking about Chicago experiences or travels. 

I had not seen the guy in almost 6 months so I thought the odds of running into him or crossing paths would be very rare. My girlfriends have run into "my friend" a couple of times, others have spotted him as if they had spotted a celebrity in front of The Peninsula hotel which I might or might not have done when the Jolie-Pitt family was in town.  Either way I thought that in our vast population here in Chicago's loop there was the most minuscule chance I would ever run into him.  Those who are familiar with my luck know the deck was stacked against me.  In fact I ran into "my friend" just the other day on the bus. 

So it was Tuesday Night, which means $0.25 Wing Night with the Ladies!  Beth wanted to get their earlier so I had to be there by 6:30pm, which happens to be the time I usually leave the office.  I had left my phone at home which would prove to be a huge handicap later, so I thought I would leave early grab the phone and hop on the 22 bus.  I ran out of the office at 5:10 hoping to catch the 5:15 which sometimes comes at 5:14 or 5:17.  Gotta love the CTA.  I see the bus and the light is about to change and I decide to make the run for it, which is never a good idea with Chicago drivers.  I have been hit by a car twice since I moved here.  (I can just hear the WHAT?! from Texas as my parents read this.)  And since I was loaded down with my laptop bag and my purse this made the sprint a bit of a challenge.  I decided to take the chance.  In my graceful run across La Salle (same one from the Junk Punch story) I was hoping that I could make eye contact with the driver so he wouldn't start to drive away.  

I did such an amazing job of locking eyes that I missed the patch of ice on the curb and skidded right in front of the bus doors.  I managed to grab the door handle that elderly people use to help themselves step up and not fall to my knees.  After doing what probably looked like the Scooby shuffle I found solid ground and stopped sliding around.  I looked up with a huge smile to see the bus driver staring at me jaw dropped and completely aghast.  He said "You know I woulda waited for ya girl."  I hopped on the bus and tried to track down my CTA Card which was hiding in one of the two large bags.  I finally found my card after what felt like 20 minutes and then let out a sigh that sounded a bit like a low "whooo".  This bus was a long accordion bus and the first two rows of 10 or so seats are facing each other to allow more people to stand in the middle of the aisle.  Then the next segment of seats are set up a little higher and facing each other.  I'm assuming the engineer included a step up on those seats so that you don't get people's butts and crotches in your face. 

I start to look around and cannot find a seat on the bus.  One of the joys of being in Chicago is that men do NOT give up their seats for women.  I guess the price the women of Chicago had to pay for equality was chivalry.

Anyway...I walk passed the two rows of seats that are facing each other and stumble and sway towards the middle of the bus where the seats have a step up and as I do I start to feel really anxious.  I should mention that I look quite glamorous with a huge pimple on my left cheek, static hair that even a sheet of bounce couldn't tame, high-water pants and I'm wearing tacky snow boots.  I start doing a quick mental checklist to make sure I didn't leave anything undone at the office.  As I start to reassure myself and reach for my book I get the feeling someone is staring at me.  Not that I’m surprised I made quite the entrance onto the bus.  

I glanced behind me, nothing strange.  Then I looked towards the front of the bus where I had just wobbly passed by and there he sat.  I can’t really place the feeling that came over me.  It was like a combination of my heart being set on fire and extreme panic taking over my body.  I look down at my chest and I think I might be breaking out into hives.  This is a first.  As I try to act normal I realize that my hands are shaking like Jell-o jigglers.  My inner monologue kicks into high gear.  My inner monologue sounds like a Spanish accented woman who is angry and speaking so rapid you can only catch the gist of the conversation.


Do you think he saw you?
Yes he did definitely.

Act normal.  Act normal!

It’s no big deal you were going to see him eventually. 
Deep breaths!  You're going to pass out if you don't breath
Has that ever really happened to someone?  Wait I think it happened to that blond girl on America's Next Top Model.  No, I think she locked her knees.  Are my knees locked?

I can't believe she didn't win.  She was really pretty, and had nice skin.

Oh my gosh!!!!!!!! I have that huge pimple….hurry put your hair in your face.

I almost drop my book as I try to casually flip my hair and hold on to the pole for balance.  I lose my balance as the bus driver halts to a bus stop and just narrowly miss slamming into a guy standing a few feet behind me.

 

Seriously!! Why the hell don't you wear make-up! You are 27yrs old!
I decide that I will start wearing make up on weekdays and not just weekends.

Ok! Ok! I will buy concealer or maybe I should ask Sara, or Beth what I need to buy.

God I wish they were here.  Or I wish I had waited for Kyle, why am I so impatient?
What good would it be to have any of them here?  Sara and Beth would have visually assaulted him and Kyle probably would have...
What would Kyle have done?  He's not that aggressive.  Well maybe he is...Would he have punched him or said something?  
No doubtful. In all likelihood Kyle would have had to carry me off the bus.  Wow all three of them have 4 letter names.  What are the odds of that happening?
Ohhh good you're getting distracted.  Keep thinking about random things.  You're not even thinking about him being 5ft away from you.

Damn it!

Go back to pretending to read your book.


Then I start thinking that it was just one glance, the guy was looking down, and super fast it probably wasn't even him.  Ok I'm going to double check. 

What if he is looking up at you?
I could put the book over my face and just peek out over the top just so my eyes are out.
That's creepy.  Do NOT look.



I start unzipping my sleeping bag of a jacket. It feels like the guy with the dirty facial hair sitting in the seat I am standing in front of lit a bonfire on the step up. I unravel my scarf since it feels like it's choking me.  Double check to see if I really did break out in hives or if I'm just hot.  I even have boob sweat!   
This cannot be normal.

I hope I am not sweating more than Mr. Phlegm.  I look up flustered that I am sweating more than when I work out. And what do you know he is staring right back at me.
Oh. Shit.



He lifts his hand to acknowledge he saw me and nods ever so slightly.  He looks kind of pensive and sad.  That's odd.  My mind starts racing.  
WHAT DO I DO NOW?!  Sad? Mad? Happy?  Do SOMETHING for goodness sakes you'll start sweating if you don't!



My hand shoots up and stops mid-air, and a huge eager smile comes across my face and I shout way too loud "Hey you!  How are you?!"  
Oh my god...could you be anymore excited?  Put your hand down already.  You might as well have put a woohoo in there.  He probably thinks you're crazy or that you still like him.

His eyes go wide and he instantly looks confused.


During this awkward exchange the bus had taken on a few new passengers.  And a guy in a suit moves his briefcase close to me and says "Can you move down just a bit."  I respond "Gladly!" Wooooh! Saved by a stranger!  
I didn't move down just a bit, I moved to the very back of the bus.  My body instantly relaxes (sort of).  I was still a bit paranoid that he might come back and ask if I was insane or remind me that he did NOT want to be with me anymore.  Thankfully that did not happen.  I got off two stops early and couldn't help but look over at the seat he was sitting in only to see he was gone.  Maybe he got off early because he wanted to stop at the grocery store on Division or he thought I was crazy.  Who knows...What do you think?!

Junk Punch

I try to check my iPhone's CTA Tracker App every morning to make sure that I don't have to wait out in the cold. However my elevator is quite unpredictable. I had to wait 4minutes for an elevator at 7:45! So as soon as the doors opened on the first floor I bolted out and said my usual "Have a great day Willie!" to my maintenance/package receiving man. He's a nice guy and sometimes if I know I'm going to miss the bus I'll chat with him a bit. It doesn't hurt and I'm probably the only person who gets package notices on Saturday even if normal deliver hours have passed. One more validation that I'm special.

I ran out the backdoor and I have to cross La Salle it's a two way 4 lane road that can sometimes resemble a game of frogger especially since I don't use the cross walk when I'm in a hurry or when the light is green for cars. I'm fully anticipating comments from both sets of parents now after that comment. So I ran across the street, clear on both sides but the bus was pulling away. So I decide to chase the bus. I'm running along side it and I think someone probably told the bus driver that there was a girl with huge yellow rain boots and 3 bags jogging because she stopped. I was out of breath and the cold had burnt my throat so I mumbled a good morning and a customary "whooo" sigh. I swiped my card and walked to look for a spot as I was eyeing a particularly vacant seat our bus driver slammed on the breaks and I flew forward and right into the junk of a poor unsuspecting guy. I nailed him dead on in the crotch. He immediately keeled over and apologies started to fly out of my mouth. I felt really horrible and let him have the seat I was eyeing.

The seat next to him opened up and I sat down fully expecting a barrage of insults or at least a nasty glare. He looked over at me and said "Well that's a first. I'm suspecting my ex-girlfriend sent you." I responded "No, and I'm still really sorry although I might take that back when I find out what you did to her." We talked until I got to my stop and he told me the story about how she was "crazy" (I love how guys use this term so flippantly). Long story short he liked this girl until he met another "hotter girl" who turned out to be crazier. We then discussed the Vicky Mendoza (How I met your Mother) Hotness v. Crazy line graph and apparently she was more crazy than the hotness was worth.
So like any other man he went back to the not as hot girl but still kind of hot. She was an 8 and the other girl was a 9.5. I learned 9.5's are hard to find but non-crazy 9.5's are even harder to find. Ladies, learn the ratings it's important. At this point I'm pretty glad that I punched him in the junk. We didn't really get into what the 8 did but it was prompted by her finding photos of the 9.5 that he wanted to keep as mementos. So he is now single. I don't think he even thought twice about asking for my phone number after I gave him my spiel on "People tell you who they are through the stories they tell." We had a good laugh and I learned that just like men, women do not like when someone has peed on their tree.

Mr. Phlegm

As you all can imagine from the title this isn’t going to be the most appetizing date story.  I met Josh* at Starbucks.  I’m a very chatty person so if given the opportunity I try to talk to people around me.  You never know who you are going to meet.  Well while in line this guy Josh in front of me ordered the Peppermint Brownie, yum!  I asked him if it was any good and thus struck up a 20min conversation with him.  At the end of the conversation I casually said goodbye and he said “WAIT!” a little too loud for a starbucks’ if you ask me but I didn’t mind because he was cute.  Oh that gets me to Josh’s description.  He was about 6’1, medium build but kind of husky around the mid section.  If I had to say he looked like an actor it would be a shorter and a bit heavier in the face Jason Segal from How I met Your Mother.  

Anyway I flipped back around and he said ‘I never got your name.’  I always like when people state this because there really isn’t a question in there and if you wait just a fraction too long you can see how confident someone really is if you just stare at them waiting for them to ASK you their name.  If you can’t tell I love to play jokes on people.  He took the bait and didn’t flinch and said ‘So, are you going to make one up or what?’  He earned some cool points for this since I was actually thinking of making one up.  I mean I might never see the guy again why not.  But I should probably stop bringing my Vegas antics into the city I live in.  After I told him my name he handed me his business card…groan!  Guys…do NOT do this, it’s tacky, and no respectable girl will actually call you unless she’s in need of some financial advice or manual labor.  So since I was not in need of a financial advisor I promptly put it into the part of my wallet I generally clean out daily.  He did redeem himself by asking me on a date and getting my number after he scored another cool point by saying “Well you don’t seem like the type of girl who calls guys so is it possible for you to give me your number?”  Done and Done!

Date night rolls around and I’m very excited and jumpy.  I tend to get this way before my birthday and Christmas as well.  That part of me will never change, I love new stuff.  Well 7pm stops by and my date does not.  One of my pet peeves is tardiness.  This could possibly stem from being stood up in high school, thank you Xavi Ramirez or from my mother’s inability to tell time.  After 15min of waiting in my lobby the excited nerves start to give way to the echoes of my empty stomach.  As I am debating to walk back upstairs and catch The Real Houswives series on Bravo I see someone jumping out of a cab.  I decide it’s pretty hard to find my place so he gets a pass.  However when he walks in he is sweating profusely.  He says “Sorry I’m late…took me a bit longer than expected to get here” I respond by asking if he decided to run here.  Low blow I know but seriously he has sweat pits down to his belt and his face is droplets away from giving me a second shower.  He didn’t really find my comment to funny.  He tells me “It’s really warm outside” which is completely untrue to a Texan, it is 58 degrees, and I should be in a parka! 

We decide to walk to the Italian restaurant and on the way there I’m starting to sense why Josh is sweating so much.  He starts coughing and I can hear the phlegm in his throat.  I’m pretty quick to start gagging but I was able to hold it in.  He then lets out a huge loogie, which is slang for huge mucus ball.  I am a bit worried that I’m going to catch something so I asked him if he was sick.  “No, I’m not sick it’s just allergies.”

I say, “Oh really, allergies this time of month?”  I decide to roll with it.  Come on I’ve wanted to go to Dinotto’s for about a week I’m not giving up now no matter what price I had to pay!  In retrospect it was a bad decision.  Very. Bad. Decision.

We arrive at the restaurant, he has made reservations.  Sweet!  As we sit down he keeps coughing and making strange noises that sound like partials dislodging from the back of his throat.  So he orders some wine and decides to pick up his cloth napkin and hock his nasty loogie into it.  As our waiter returns he hands him the napkin and asks for a “fresh one.” I’m starting at him in disbelief and he asks me if I’m alright.  Not quite, I’m utterly and completely disturbed and pretty grossed out.  As we order I realize this might not stop.  He has already gone through two napkins and zero remorse or apology for blowing his nose and coughing up chunks of mucus at the table.  We end up having some good polite conversation and I almost forget that he has disgusted me 30min prior.  As soon as our food arrives he utilizes another napkin while making the worst hacking and choking noises to get this ball of phlegm up.  People around me are now staring at me with pity in their eyes.  I think a woman even mouthed “I’m so sorry” to me.   I couldn’t even eat I was so disgusted but Josh was apparently either very hungry or not at all bothered by the looks of shock and awe he was getting around the room.  Someone must have alerted our waiter because he gracefully glided to the table and said “Sir, it might be better if you used the paper napkins in our bathroom; they are more gentle for the face.”  His response, “Thanks man but these are fine, I’m not that particular.”  GROSS! 

As we’re leaving the restaurant I’m thanking God that I convinced him I didn’t need dessert and I needed to get home because I had an early conference call.  The kicker to the date was that as he walked me home he came in close and I stepped back.  He came in again and I stepped back.  My inner monologue was asking me questions at this point “Does this guy not get it?  Maybe it’s time for you to act crazy?”  So I say it was really nice to meet him and I appreciate him taking me to dinner.  I reach in for the shake and as I do I was suckered!  He grabbed my hand pulled me in and dipped me!  Are you kidding?!  To which he tried to kiss my face as he had me 3feet from the floor.  The moment his lips got close to my face I turned my head to the side and tried to squirm out of the tight grips of his chubby hands.  He then tried to adjust and kiss my face as it was straining to the right side and I had to move fast to get it away from his lips again.  He finally got the picture and asked why I didn’t want a kiss.  I said “Josh, I just don’t want to get sick I’m sorry.”  He tried to convince me he wasn’t sick but the sweat pits and the mucus at dinner were staring me down.  I finally had to tell him that I thought I might be sick and I just needed to get some rest.  He tried to lock down a date for the next week but thankfully I was leaving out of town and would have to call him back.  He broke the man rule and called me the very next afternoon.  I was really praying for the 3 day break from this guy.  I think that guys wait the 3 or 4 or whatever days because they know if they don't girls will remember how retarded they were when they first met.  As you can guess I have added manners on my list of "Things I would appreciate in a Boyfriend."