The Great scamp NYC Trip & The Midtown North Precinct

As some of you know I was a part of a focus group for Microsoft's KIN phone.  When I first started this focus group I thought it was a bit of a hoax.  We talked about phones and made suggestions but we never knew what we were really working on.  Until one day our Project Coordinator sent us an email stating that they would be in town and wanted to take us for a drink.  I was really busy that week and was almost planning on ditching but I had two friends that needed to go out for a drink so I suggested we head over to The Wit and check it out.  So glad I did, because I met scamp!

You know how there are some people you meet and just bond with instantly?  Well this is how I felt when I met scamp.  I told some fun stories, asked questions, and possibly made fun of the idiot who invited 10 other people along with him to the private event.  scamp and I could talk about everything except what she did for work and who employed her which honestly made me 10x's more interested in getting clues out of her.  She ended up adding me on to the Ambassador list and I was able to go out to dinner with them the following night at Proseco.  We had a blast despite the fact that I spilled proseco all over scamp while making wild hand gestures.  The dinner was pretty eventful in itself, all of the Ambassadors shared their similar feelings of disbelief in the project.  The other two ambassadors were Tyler who was a guy from a small town just excited about technology and very confused about the buffalo on the menu.  Nina was unintentionally hysterical and can be summed up in one phrase, The perky blond.  scamp asked Nina, why she flew out from Ohio if she was so skeptical and under the assumption that she probably was going to get her kidney's stolen in the middle of the night.  Nina's eyes searched the ceiling for the proper answer then shrugged and responded nonchalantly, "Well my kidney's aren't that great anyway." 

We had so much fun those two days that I was deeply disappointed when I found out I was going to miss scamp's May trip to Chicago for a private KIN concert.  She was equally disappointed and so she pulled some strings and requested I be flown out for the NYC Concerts.  It worked out perfectly and I flew out to meet her three weeks later.  I had no idea what was going to happen on this trip other than we were going to dinner Saturday night before going to see The Ting Ting's at an undisclosed location.

There is no way that I could have imagined a more random and fun trip to the Big Apple.  I got to the W in Midtown just as scamp and Brendan were headed out for a shopping trip in the meatpacking district.  I checked in and rushed up to my room to change into more comfy clothes and head out.  After 2minutes of introductions we were all chatting away about the concert that night, people on the street, and clothes.  Brendan had to go back and set up so he left scamp and I to wander around.  She was on the hunt for comfy shoes and on our walk/subway ride to 5th Ave area of town we encountered some interesting people.

There was an old creepy woman who leaned towards us and snapped her over sized dentures shut as she walked passed us.  She looked like she was about to take my earring off with her incisors. 

On the Subway a normal athletic looking woman had about 5 black gallon trashbags. Four looked pretty fluffy and the other looked like there was a dead body inside.  It was holding something soggy and definitely wet because of the squishing noises it was making as she slapped it all over the floor.  Watching her walk up the steps made me pretty anxious, her weight was not even 1/16th of the weight she seemed to be lugging around.

In the Subway car we were standing close to a woman who didn't seem to grasp the concept of "don't lean on the doors" and she also underestimated the need to hang on to something.  She was flying all over the place and running into people one car away.

After our shopping trip we had about 1hr to rush back to Midtown and get dressed up for the concert and make it to dinner on time.  We were running into the hotel in quite a hurry.  In our haste we passed right by some of scamp's co-workers who asked her what the plan was for the evening.  I know I smelled like sweat, dirt, and American Airlines leather seats at this point in the day.  We backtracked to talk to them and I was pretty shocked to see Dreamy Derek, a guy I had recently become friends with on Facebook at the suggestion of scamp.  He had a Bradly Cooper coif going on with his hair, his eyes look like crystal blue pools, and his smile would make any girl turn bright red.  We did introductions and I was cringing inside trying to look away and counting down the getting dressed minutes I was forgoing standing here.  We decided to meet in the lobby in 20min.  WHAT?!   I had to mentally rush through all the options I had in my bag while I was rinsing off the NYC street smell.  I picked an outfit and ran downstairs.  Even though I made it out in record time I was still about 7min late ok maybe 10.  We went to dinner at a fabulous sushi restaurant, Jewel Bako in the East Village.  At the dinner party was scamp, Dreamy Derek, and Maxi.  I'm not sure how it started, considering I wasn't drinking at any point before this moment, but I started to jokingly talk in a Mexican accent, imitating Gloria from Modern Family.  Trust me, I do weird things when I'm nervous and there is silence to be filled.  When we finished dinner Max-a-million, scamp, and I went off to the Ting Ting's concert and Derek went to The Black Key's.  I have to say I was pretty giddy when he sent me a text saying "See you at the Black Keys."  I knew I was going to be impatient for this concert to be over the moment we walked in.  To distract myself from being an over texter Max and scamp suggested that I put my fake Mexican accent to work on Max's friend Devlin.  There was no way I could keep that going and I kept slipping up and Devlin eventually pulled Max aside and said "She looks Mexican but I don't think that's her real accent!  She is conning you guys."  The joke was on him but I still turned red.

The concerts were amazing and the list of celebs in attendance was pretty ridiculous.  After a long long night of celebrity sightings and shimmy shaking we all made it home.  The following day I called scamp when I woke to see how she was feeling and she invited me to Starbucks to snack n' chat.  We sat on the steps of a Catholic church and she told me about her adventure back to the hotel.  When scamp got home she left her tiny wallet in the cab and managed to walk out with only her company credit card.  Not good when you need your photo ID for the flight home.  The cab company is supposed to drop all lost articles at the police station.  So she asked me to go with her to the Midtown Police Station to file a report. 

When we walked into the police station they had just made an arrest.  A man tried running off with a handful of candy and snickers bars from a store.  Mind you the store happened to be across the street from the police station.  When we walked in a tall giant of a police officer said "What can we do fuh ya ladies?"  scamp repeated her story and he told us to take a seat while they dealt with the thief who was now so nervous and upset he had given himself an uncontrollable nose bleed.  "Oh come on man!" was heard in the background as we tried to sneak peaks over our shoulders.  You could tell the police officers were pretty glad two well dressed ladies walked in and just needed a simple report filled out since they were starting to gather and tease us.

We sat down with one officer and two others came over to see what was happening.  They asked us where we went last night, what we were doing, how her wallet was stolen etc. etc. etc.  Then one of the police officers came over and I couldn't help but ask questions about the arrest.  He told me that they were lucky it was just a nose bleed and not a "piss your pants situation."  Both of our jaws dropped and he says "What you two nevah pissed yo pants?"  Both of us muttered "uhh no.  gross."  The police officer Mike who sounded like he was from Long Island says "I don't believe you two!  Er-re-body pee's dah pants sometimes."  We both are nervously laughing then he starts running through the questions on the list.  "What city do you live in?"  Officer Mike asked, after scamp responded he looks at me and says "And you?"  I'm confused why do I have to respond?  I say "I'm living in Chicago."  This brings on a million questions about how we know each other, what we do for a living, and if we need a kept man.  We somehow end up talking about the KIN and trying to sell them one.  It didn't work they were a bit more interested in getting more information out of us.

"Where did you lose the property?" then the kicker question "Are you in a gang?"  We both erupted laughing and Officer Mike says "What?!" We say "Are you serious?"  We start joking back that we're in the JCrew gang, and the cupcake posse.  When we look at the report it really does say "Gang?" then the next question was "Do you have any tattoos?"  The guys are openly flirting now and asking us when we are going to come back to NYC.

The guys are laughing and we're having a good time.  Then the large tower of an officer walks over and says "Aeeee Steph-a-nee the perp left you a message."  He slides over a piece of paper and under his arrest report it says "Call me Stephanie..."  It was just a copy of the real report but it was hilarious because for a second we weren't sure what was going on.  The confused and shocked looks on our faces prompted them to tell us that they were joking.  We left the precinct in good spirits because Officer Mike and scamp had bonded so well that he felt the need to call his 2nd cousin, Frankie, who works for homeland security. Officer Mike gave scamp his cousins phone number just in case any "situations" came up when she tried to board her flight.  Luckily her Costco Card got her through security and she didn't have to make the call to Frankie.  She did however have to call her Fiance and explain the insanity that occurred in the last 24hrs.  I can't wait for my next encounter with scamp!

The Clown on my Flight

Two years ago I was supposed to go to Costa Rica but because of work I had to skip the trip.  So in December of '09 I got a message that I had two months to book a flight with my $650 credit.  Which was a nightmare in itself.  Spirit Airlines has to be the most ridiculous airline I have ever flown.  They charge you for everything but oxygen.  Don't fly Spirit if you can avoid it.

After about three months of trying to figure out who could go with me to the Bahamas my Dad, my Step-Mom, and my little sister agreed to come with me.  I was a bit skeptical because I had not traveled with them since I was in the 8th grade.  All in all a successful trip!  A few minor annoyances, a room mix up, my dad snores like a train, and my little sister had a teenager 'tude moment.  I'm sure that I was really annoying too since I can be pretty bossy.  But those tiny things seemed like nothing compared to going Jet Skiing, Swimming with Dolphins, Running into the water at night, getting grillz, and spending time with my little sister. 

The weirdest part of my trip was actually on my way home.  There was a mix up in seating and a tall lanky man had to be moved to the middle seat next to me so that a woman and child could sit together.  He made a spectacle getting from the middle seat of row 10 to row 9 due entirely to his overstuffed black duffel bag.  When the flight attendant said, "Sir would you like me to put that in the overhead bin for you?"  He said, "No I want to keep it near me."  A man with an affinity for his bag and overly large legs, means zero leg room for me.  It was tempting to offer the aisle seat to lanky but the window seat guy was large, irritable, and quite grumpy and I wanted none of that.

Lanky took a good 5minutes to get settled in and spent the majority of that time trying to get his black duffel under the tiny Spirit seats.  After he was done I let out a slight "whooo" sigh and thus began my conversation with lanky.  He turned and with gusto in his voice said, "I know it's a huge bag!  What's your name?" Turns out he was quite the Chatty Guy.  He asked me what I did, how my trip was, and regular flight conversation questions. Then I returned the line of questioning but we only got to the first question because he said that he was an animal trainer.  Even Grumpy in the window seat was now intrigued and he got into the conversation and into a better attitude.  We were asking all kinds of questions about training animals.  Then I asked the next logical question, "What kind of animals do you own?"  Then Lanky said, "Oh, mainly large animals, I can show you a few small ones."  Double take.  Did he really just say "show?"  I thought there was no way he really said show but he began to huff and puff trying to get the black duffel out.  I feel my body temperature rise and I start to panic a little bit.  This guy is a bit odd and now he wants to show us his pets?  Grumpy tried to tell him it wasn't necessary, I was getting a bit squeamish and said "Maybe we shouldn't do this on a plane."  Then I hear some rattling and moving in this box he started to remove from his bag and I'm about to scream.  Lanky says "Come on you two where is your sense of adventure?"  Grumpy tries to tell him that it is probably against airline policy to have pets on the flight.  I unbuckled my seat belt.  Grumpy was pressed against the window and was starting to gradually raise his voice as Lanky opened the box!

Snakes exploded out of the box!  Colorful fake snakes with springs in them to be exact.  Grumpy shouted like a little kid and I covered my face with my arms.  The trick didn't go over well at all.  Grumpy was now extra grumpy especially because people were laughing all around us.  I'm not sure if Lanky really was an animal trainer but he definitely was a clown.







If you want to play this trick on anyone he did let me know you can find these snakes on Amazon.

Jenny The Jerk

So today was a particularly rough morning.  I am a part of a Run Club and I have a tough time participating since it occurs at 5am.  It starts at 5:30am but it takes me a good 10min to wrestle with my thoughts on whether or not I have a good reason to skip out.  Today I lost the thought match and went.  I had not seen everyone in about 3 weeks so we were all catching up before Jerry! got there.  Jerry! needs an exclamation point after his name because anything less would not do his outrageously gay personality justice.  He shouts "Jerry's Here!" in an almost showtune manner then in singsong says "WHO'S READY TO RUH-UUN!!" 

There are 7 people in the group but I mostly chat with Sam and Ron.  Sam lives in my building he is your typical "I ate too much while my wife was pregnant" guy.  Very dry British sense of humor and some interesting running quirks.  Him and I became good friends earlier in the summer when Run Club started because we were always in last place.  Then we became great friends when my knee gave out and I accidently de-pantsed him on Lakeshore Drive while trying to grasp for something before I ate pavement.  He now runs behind me and his wife tells him to 'wear the good underwear' to go run. 

Ron is a 6'7 African American, former college basketball player who walks while we all run.  His legs start where my chest begins.  Ron and I met prior to run club, but I told him to join because his girlfriend was trying to lose weight.  She used to shout at him in Spanish and we became friends because I was able to decode what she was saying.  She later decided running was not for her.  He still comes to run/wak because he's technically supposed to wait on running until he's completed rehab for his busted knee.  I'm sure when it's better he'll be in the 7min mile group.

So when I got to Run Club, which is one block away from my apartment, I came up behind everyone and shouted as if I was Jerry!  Everyone laughed except for someone I'll call Jenny.  Jenny is awkward, rude, and mean.  In our entire class not one person likes her and if you let her speak to you for too long she'll walk away leaving you feeling insecure and uncomfortable.  I try to be nice to her since I can tell she just hasn't been "socialized" and lacks social conversational skills.  Jenny usually comes to run club looking like Under Armour threw up on her.  Her dyed blond hair is perfectly coifed, she has a full face of make-up, and a variety of designer jewelry on.  I on the other hand usually come in wrinkled t-shirts, sports watch, and 'I just woke up' hair.  Jenny probably wakes up at 4am to get all dolled up and we have concluded that this might be why she is in a bad mood every morning.  Sam believes differently.  He said "She's married, she knows that she never has to get another person to like her ever again."  We have labeled her Jenny the Jerk because she is rude to everyone but she especially has it out for me.

I'm not quite sure why she likes to pick on me since I am in a good mood (I'm a morning person), I don't talk to her (No one does) and I look awful (Zero competition for her).  She tends to give backhanded compliments like "You look good today for a change."  Or she makes snide remarks about what people wear "Wow, Shana with that purple combo we have a stuffed dinosaur leading our group today."  She reminds me of my elementery school bully Elizabeth.  Elizabeth hit her growth spurt early so she was about a foot taller than everyone including the boys and was stronger than the Hulk.  She used to push me around and call me shrimp.  One day our teacher called us all out by full name...Elizabeth Ann Townsend.  E.A.T.  As soon as I worked those initials into a few snarky comments the bullying relationship was flipped and I was able to enjoy eating in the cafeteria and running around on the blacktop with no fear.

As our running group was waiting for Jerry! 4 of us were catching up and discussing what I had missed out on when Jenny showed up.  She saw us talking and decided she wanted to engage and interupt our conversation.
"Well Well look who is back.  Someone decided to get out of bed...Barely."
"Yeah, I tried to get as much sleep as possible in before I had to wake up.  I'm back in action and ready to run!" I responded as chipper as possible.  The good old kill 'em with kindness trick that never seems to work.
The group picks up where we left of and we continue talking about my trip to the Bahamas.
Out of left feild comes..."Wow Clara you are such an attention whore...let someone else talk"
Sam who never speaks up shouted "Woah!  We asked her to tell us about the trip."
She sniped back "Goodness take a joke Sammy Boy"  A nickname I'm sure he dislikes because he rolled his eyes as he was turning away from the creepy intruder.
I was trying to keep my cool but starting to get a bit irked.  "Well I have been gone for 3 weeks...lots to chat about."  I choose to turn completely around to avoid any eye contact with her and Ron tries to sneakily box her out of the conversation circle.  So awkwardly the three of us are facing Shana.  Ron, Sam, and I glance at each other and chuckle a bit.  She does make Run club interesting. 


Then I hear her get one last jerk remark out.  "Well you've obviously been eating well on vacation, now we know why you're back...Time to run off the junk in the trunk." 
My eyes widen and the fire in my stomach (which could be because I didn't eat breakfast) ignited and I whip my pony tail around to face her.
I'm assuming Ron didn't know what to do because he put his arm out to block me and came in with a "Woahhhh"  
I shouted over him, "YOU ARE......(Very Long Pause. She's an idiot why am I so upset?  Do I want to go there?  Keep it Classy.) "SO DEMOTIVATING!"
A deranged sorority girl told me I was huge and I decided to attack her motivational skills.  Awesome. 

I'm mad but I see Ron and start to hold back a smile at how ridiculous what I just said was.  Then Ron breaks into a laugh.  The circle breaks into laughter.

Jenny is the only one at this point not laughing.  Probably because she isn't sure what to say.  I may not have told her off but I did succeed in confusing her.  As she was regaining her thought process and I was thinking of what I wanted to say, Jerry! ran up behind us all.  "JERRRRRRRY'S HERE!"

"WHO IS READY TO RUN!"  We all take off running and I was so upset that I beat Jerry! our pace leader.  For 4 miles I ran between all my emotions, anger at Jenny, anger at myself for letting her bother me, and then happiness.  I might have even started laughing at the thought of what had just happened.  I had gained weight and Jenny pointed that out, maybe not in a nice way, but she gave me energy.  I ran the fastest 4 mile pace, since I had started running.  Jenny was unusually at the back of the pack.

At the end of class I was grabbing water with Ron and Sam.  Guys don't really like to rehash things especially not fights, unless of course they were not involved.

Sam cautiously came up next to me and said, "Wow.  You ran really fast you should get pissed off more often."  I was quick to justify myself "I just had energy, I wasn't mad!"  Ron laughingly says "You weren't mad?  That wasn't your mad face?" 

"I was just flustered."

Ron was amused at my response so he said, "Flustered?  Man you looked like you were about to snap a bitch in half!  I was ready for her to finally get told off! Then the worlds longest angry pause just so we could hear demotivation pop out your mouth. Your little 'What Would Jesus Do' moment cost you some street cred girl."