A Short Date

I have not even started typing and I am already laughing.  When I was around 6 or 7 I had the grand notion that I was God’s favorite.  I mean I was everyone else’s favorite so why wouldn’t I make God’s #1 spot?  Sometimes I still think this is true.  However when you are someone’s favorite they sometimes give you a hard time to show you just how much they love you.  God must have been having a slow day because he decided to play a very fun joke on me.

I have spoken to a few people on this dating website and I finally decided to meet one of the guys.  He set up a date at a wine bar that I like so that was great.  The problem is that I forgot what he looked like from the photos.  After talking with about 20+ guys and trying to keep their online names, email addresses, and phone number separate let alone various conversations it got a bit complicated.  I showed up 5min late and he was not there.  Surprising but not too bad I took a seat at the bar next to a gay couple and sort of close to a good looking guy.  After 15min passed I decided I might as well order a glass of wine.  The gay couple told me all about the wine that they had selected and even let me try a sip.  Very nice.  I honestly think that I might have a magnet located somewhere in my body that attracts gay men to me.   That’s another story, but anyway I ended up ordering their wine and the guy sitting 2 seats away from me tells me I’m making a mistake and I need a “spicy red.”  After he says this I immediately like him.  We end up talking about things as if we were on our own first date.  Then it dawns on me oh my gosh what if this is my date?!

So I ask him if his name is Rocco.  He says "No" in his very Australian accent and I curse myself for thinking that someone named Rocco would be Australian.  We then get into why I am at a wine bar alone.  I tell him that I’m waiting for my date who at this point is now 30min late.  I start having flashbacks of getting stood up in high school.  It is a complete white out outside, maybe he got stuck somewhere.  Then he sends me a text “Hope you haven’t been waiting too long.  Be there in 5min.”  I decide that I am not going to be too judgmental and give this poor guy a break.  I keep chatting Simon up and we are getting along, I almost feel guilty about giving him my phone number but he explains to me that it’s necessary since I have been waiting for 40minutes at this point.  He has long finished his 1/2 bottle of wine but is hanging out to make sure that someone gives this guy a hard time.  Five minutes pass and the door opens.  Before I tell you who walked in I want to describe what my date listed in his profile.  He was 5’9 thin build, and had a head of hair that would get him into any Pantene pro-v commercial.  He also had thick rimmed glasses that made him look a bit like a hipster. 

The guy who walked in was 5’2 and had the build of an 8^th grader who probably couldn't reach the combination to the top locker.  I kept talking to Simon and the couple sitting on my right and then felt a tap on my shoulder.  “Hello there little lady….you must be Clara.”  I turned around with a huge smile on my face only to have it fade away.  Mister 5’2 was tapping me on the shoulder.  I wore ballet flats to the dinner and was still staring straight at his forehead.  This could not be happening.  Simon stands up stares at me completely aghast and then tries desperately to hide his snickering.  He then gives me the international hand gesture sign for "Call Me" before walking behind Rocco and towering over him telling him he should be on time to dates because women are impatient "especially that one" and he points at me.  Nice. 

Not only is my date short but he seems to look nothing like his photos.  Rocco my date also happens to be bald, and is accompanied by the breath of an 80yr old corpse.  I’m not very good at hiding facial expressions so he feels the need to say “Not what you were expecting, huh?”  I was completely in shock and felt absolutely angry that I had left my cozy apartment in a snow storm to meet up with a guy who frankly creeped me out.  

He then proceeded to tell me that he was glad I didn’t run out.  Apparently this happens to him often which rightfully so should happen since he is an outright trickster.  He tells me that he uses old photos and fakes his height because he doesn’t want girls to judge him beforehand.  As opposed to then doing it in person?  I say “So you would rather they ran away from you in person?!”  He takes this in stride and tells me that he hopes I will give him at least 20min before I judge him.  I’m really thinking it’s too late, but I'm tipsy and he was really funny when we spoke over the phone.  He actually has an interesting job and is pretty funny. 

It almost makes me forget he is 5’2 until he folds his legs Indian style in his bar stool chair and tells me that he was tired of his legs dangling from the tall bar stool.  After near chugging of a glass of wine he puts his hands on my shoulder and tells me that I am “smokin’ hot.”  Instead of fielding the compliment it sends a shiver down my spine and my shoulders tremble a little.  I can’t even think of putting my arm on him let alone letting him anywhere near my face.  Luckily he senses my discomfort and throws a couple of jokes out which make me laugh.  However I cannot get over Rocco sitting Indian Style and not being able to reach the first rung on the bar stool.   Next he proceeds to ask for my birth date because he is big into astrology and numerology.  When I tell him my birthday he tells me that he has to call his mother.  I’m baffled but I let him place the call.  The gay couple next to me is nudging me to make my exit telling me they won't judge me.  After he gets on the phone with my mom he proceeds to bash his mom and tell me she is a psycho and her birthday is 2 days after mine.  I am not at all sure how to take this.  He tells me “My mom is a crazy cat lady.  Your odds are pretty likely that you’ll be a cat lady.  Or at least crazy.” 

Yes if I keep going on horrible dates I might become a cat lady.  

I have no clue how to respond.  After a wine flight and a full glass of wine my normally speedy wit has hit a detour and is going through a construction zone.

“Oh really.  Hmmm I wonder how many people were born in the entire month of June that own cats.  I’m sure the probability is pretty high considering there are only 365 days out of the year.”    He does not sense my sarcasm and tells me that I’m good at math.  Now I know he is not a sane man.  I can’t tell at this point if he’s joking or if he really does think his mom is insane or if that is his defense mechanism move to try and make me feel uncomfortable.  

We start wrapping the date up but I am just wondering why he fakes his photos, his height and well just about everything.  I can't keep it in any longer and I say “why did you lie if you are actually funny?  There are also girls who will want to date you.”  He says that he has to lie because that’s the only way girls give him a chance.  That's so upsetting, but hello one of my most irritating friends found her soul mate why can't this smart and funny shorter guy find someone.  He then asks me what I think and I tell him that I find it really irritating that he lied and people probably have different expectations of him.  I also told him that I would not go on a second date.  He stares at me with puppy dog eyes and doesn’t say a word.  I hate empty silences so I’m thinking of what to say.  Right before I spill out that I’m sorry he says “Suit yourself.  I was even going to give you a ride home.”  I almost want to thank him for making me feel less awful about being honesty but I say “Well Thanks for thinking about it!  Goodnight.”  I immediately rush into the first cab that passes by and head straight home.  On the way home I start thinking.
 

Why are his friends not advising him?  Then I start wondering who his friends are?  He was at minimum 3inches taller than all of them in his photos?  And why would they let him go around telling lies to get girls to meet him places?  And if this happened to him frequently why wouldn’t he pick a cheaper place?  And more importantly if you're setting a false expectation then why wouldn't you be on time?  So weird. 

Lesson Learned:  If there is a hot guy at the bar give that man your number even if you are going on another date.  And more importantly...You may get in the front door but you’ll soon be thrown out when people found out how you got there.  Don’t lie.  Ever.  Period.