Tiny Bottle of Joy

I went on a blind date and the person who set us up will get to remain anonymous although if you would like them to set you up with any other of their family members after this story let me know.  We will call this guy Arnold, he is related to my blind date coordinator, how I'm not quite sure as they don't seem to share any of the same genes.  This guy was a towering 6'6, bright green eyes, and dirty blond almost brown hair.  He looked like Michael Douglas' character on Wall street with his slicked back hair and he kind of has thin lips like him too.  He was also very well dressed and took me to Capital Grille, so he got an A++ for appearance and restaurant choice. 

I arrived 5min past 8pm and he was there waiting for me.  One more point for him.  I had no idea what he looked like and I forgot to ask him but apparently my friend sent him my photo so he walked right up to me and gave me a bone crushing bear hug.  I was not expecting that and glad it wasn't just a complete stranger running to greet me.  Maybe I'm too formal, I'm more of a handshake or a "hey!"  with a head tilt type of gal.  Anyway he did smell very good.  No Aqua Di Gio, 5 points for that.  OK so I have a confession to make, I sometimes forget to put deodorant on.  But thankfully I have non-smelly armpits, probably because the years of swimming in heavily chlorinated waters did something to my sweat glands.  Now that you know that.  After I smelled him I immediately became panicked that after my post run shower I might have neglected to apply that oh so effective clear gel.  Mental note to self: double check as soon as he's not looking.  

The hostess greeted us and asked if we would like to check our coats.  I personally love when they take-off and put on your jacket and when guys take the time to do that it just seems very gentlemanly.  And shows that they care about you being warm first or they are showing off, either way it's a good thing.  Arnold declined to have her take his jacket which seemed a bit off considering it wasn't like she was going to wear it around while he left it in her care. Who knows maybe it's an expensive jacket. She reminded him it was complimentary and he finally conceded.  Great time for me to do a pit check.  However as I was running my fingers through my hair and turning my head towards my arm at the same time I noticed him reach into his pocket and pull out a dark bottle.  He casually put it in his suit coat pocket and put his hand on the small of my back to guide me to our table.  Was that a flask? What else would he be carrying around in his pocket?  Tall people forget that they cannot be sneaky or coy because short people have direct eye contact with all their pockets.  Ok, I'm not that short but it felt like his hips started at my shoulders.  So now my mind has left the deo problem and is wondering if I have an alcoholic on my hands.  Is he going to take sips at the table?  I wonder if he will offer me some.  I hope we don't get kicked out, I still have not brought any of my family here.

We sit down and he orders a really great Malbec, my personal favorite at the moment.  More points!  I wonder what the point of him ordering this wine is if he has some scotch in his pocket.  I try to get my mind off the weird bottle.  We start sharing customary stories about our family, job (he is a consultant), and what we do on weekends.  Before I know it I have already accepted 2 invitations to events that he's planning.  I will not be here for the next two weekends but I cannot bring myself to tell him because I cannot say no to people who make plans.  I love plans!  You make 'em and I will re-arrange my schedule to be there.  Unfortunately not very many of my friends are big on plan making.  They are fly by the seat of your pants type of gals and I think they would rather I make the plans.

Well our 1st course gets here and I got the chopped salad and he got the wedge salad.  As our waitress walks away he starts rifling through his coat.  At this point I'm really curious as to what is going on because he's making quite the production out of it and looks like he's frantic.  Plus I was waiting on him to begin eating.  As he's searching all his pockets he finally finds what he's looking for and he produces a small bottle that looks like a clear travel shampoo bottle filled with brown liquid.  What the heck is in there?  It is way to thick to be scotch or bourbon.  What the hell is going on here?!
 

I'm obviously not very good at hiding my facial expressions because my raised eyebrows and open mouth caused him to confess "Oh um, this is just A-1."  He said it so matter of fact that I considered it odd that I didn't carry around my own condiments.  I mean I do have a purse.  So after I snapped out of the green eyed trance I said "So what are you going to do with that A-1."  As I asked the question it was answered by his actions.  He was pouring it on top of his salad!  Our waitress walked back to see how everything was going and I realized I had not yet touched my salad because I was staring, and now so was she. 

He had to explain a second time that it was A-1 and he "love[d] the stuff" she also did not seem phased by it and said "That's neat I have never tried it on salad."  Green eyes?  Or is this just not that weird?  Apparently I was staring a bit too hard because he then felt he had to justify how great A1 is.  He also gave me a list of items that it can be paired with, some of his favorites:  eggs, spaghetti, waffles, mac & cheese, tomatoes, fried chicken, grilled pineapple and lemons.

Our next course arrives along with all of our sides.  I'm wondering if he is really going to put A-1 on his perfectly cut dry aged sirloin (or maybe it was a porterhouse) either way it was cooked perfectly.  My fillet oscar looked delicious but I couldn't help but staring.  He did indeed defile his steak by pouring the remaining contents of his little brown bottle of joy all over the steak as well as his asparagus and Parmesan truffle fries.  I couldn't help but want to shout NO! NOT THE TRUFFLE FRIES!  And I did. I spoke up probably a bit too loud "Hold up!"   I scooped up some fries and dropped them on my plate as if I had just saved them.  "Don't douse them with A-1 yet!"  Apparently A1 is a very dear friend of his and he did not take kindly to my insulting of his friend.  I'm sure I would be best friends with someone I spent every meal with too.

After I scooped up as many fries as I could before he started to pour he said "Why are you so bothered by the A1?"

"I'm not, I just really wanted to taste the Parmesan and truffle flavors...and I ummmm already know what A1 tastes like."

"Well you seem to really hate A1.  I didn't douse it on everything," he responded.

I sat there staring at the empty 5oz bottle thinking Yes you did you reh-tard.  But I was busted...I do not have love for A-1.  Whats the point if you have a well cooked piece of meat in front of you?!  So I try to tell a white lie.  What I say and what my face is saying are not quite in sync.

"I don't hate it at all in fact I tried the A1 Whataburger and I used to put it on meat in the 7th and 8th grade," as this came out of my mouth I realized what it sounded like and I ended up mumbling the last portion of the sentence. 

"So...I have the taste buds of a middle schooler...very nice Miss Garza," he snipped.   

What I wanted to say and what I should have said were at opposing ends of my mouth pulling my tongue in different directions so I chose to bite my lip and concentrate on savoring my perfectly cooked fillet.  He looked a bit offended and pensive each time I glanced up.  And thus we spent the remainder of the entree in silence.  I don't know why I didn't break the silence, maybe I was just a bit weirded out that he got so testy about a condiment or maybe the overwhelming smell of A1 broke the green eyed spell.  

We were finished with our meal and our waitress was back asking us if we wanted dessert.  I know from first hand experience that the flourless chocolate cake is amazing but I was ready to go home.  Not a good sign.  He asks me what I want and I decline stating that I was full.  He then proceeds to order the chocolate cake.  I then start wondering...Will he put A-1 on the cake?  I decide to ask.  
"Are you going to put A-1 on dessert?"

Arnold:  "Are you kidding?"

Me:  "Well you did say waffles and pineapple and well I just was curious"

Arnold:  "At least you think you are funny."

We are stuck in silence again.  Silence to me is like being tortured, I hate empty pauses and I love to chat.

The dessert arrives.  And he did not answer my question so I am still genuinely curious.  He hands me the second fork and I watch as he glances at the bottle (which he has propped up against the sugar in between the salt and pepper so he could get every last drop out).  There is no more A1 left.

Me:  Well it looks like you are all out.  Unless of course you have a second bottle in the other coat pocket.  

In my head I am having a blast.  At least I think this is funny.  I am apparently grinning and luckily he thinks I have a nice smile because he says "If you didn't have such a contagious smile I probably would be really annoyed."  We end up laughing but I'm still very baffled by the whole A1 addiction.  

THE VERDICT & LESSON LEARNED

Although we could have fun together I don't think I could allow his closest friend to tag along at every meal.  I do want to eat at Moto sometime, and I'm sure they would kick us out for A-1 usage on molecular gastronomy's finest cuisine.  Lesson Learned: Just because he looks like a dream guy, doesn't make him a dream guy.