Crazy Heart

Well I went to see the movie Crazy Heart tonight and the songs in the movie were amazing.  There were a few lines that have been running around in my head “You feel like you’re flying when you’re falling but only for a little while.”  And “This is no place for the weary kind… pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try” at least I think that’s how they went.  It was a great movie.  It did however remind me of my brother Bryan who passed away 3yrs ago.  When you lose a sibling or any family member for that matter they take a bit of you with them.  Or they leave a piece of them with you, but it’s more like a shard of glass in your heart that you learn to live with until of course something reminds you that it’s there and it starts to tear and sting again.  The movie reminded me of Bryan because of the title and because of the country music.   He went through a rap phase and gave me all of his country CD’s which I gladly took off his hands.  So the feeling that I’m sitting with right now, or that is sitting on me, is one of extreme longing.  I would do anything to talk to my brother again; I didn’t call him often enough after I moved to Chicago and I wish that I had done so more often. 

    

Of all my family members he generally gave the best advice, not because it was very well thought out or because I was motivated to follow it but because it was hilarious and we laughed and made up fake scenarios of what would happen if I followed it.  Generally the advice only fell into one of two categories when it came to guys.  He told me to quit being so stubborn, annoying, ridiculous, selfish, immature (that was his favorite).  You get the point.  Or he would say something along the lines of “What is his name again?  I’m going to kick his !”  I know that’s not really advice but it generally gave me the red light about someone or just made me feel protected, because he was 100% serious.  So if Bryan got to meet one of these guys that had upset me I ended up having to make up fake names or say “No this is Mark F. not Mark S. totally different Bryan.”  My brother was no fool and it did not stop him from giving the side eye or the glare but at least he let me go on making my man mistakes without beating anyone up.

I don’t want to leave my two other brother’s out because they give great advice but it’s a different type of advice from Bryan.  My oldest (Kevin) and younger (Billy) brothers don’t have that “I hope he does say something to me!  I will lay him out!” attitude when something goes wrong.  They jump into the “What is the best response/solution for you” and “How can we fix this?”  Kevin and Billy are very calm, patient, rational, and analytical guys it takes an unbelievable amount to upset or shake them.  I’m sure this patience developed from having to deal with Bryan and Myself.  My brother Bryan and I were cut from the same cloth we have competition, passion, and emotion running through our veins.  I feel like I’m missing my partner, the brother who agreed with me no matter how crazy or ridiculous I seemed.

Just like “Bad Blake” and my brother Bryan, I have quite a crazy heart.  It has a mind of its own, and it does what it wants.  And since I cannot talk to Bryan and tell him all about my ever changing life I will just have to replay conversations from the past and hope that I get to see him in my dreams tonight.  Love you Bry Bry and miss you even more.