Spaz Out

Well one of the main reasons I wrote this blog is because of a certain someone who broke my heart.  I thought writing would be cathartic and help me sort out what I want in a partner.  Lately it has been great to go on dates and have a good time with other people.  It's kind of tricky though going on these dates and having to omit the last 3.5yrs of my life, or cautiously use the phrase "my friend" when talking about Chicago experiences or travels. 

I had not seen the guy in almost 6 months so I thought the odds of running into him or crossing paths would be very rare. My girlfriends have run into "my friend" a couple of times, others have spotted him as if they had spotted a celebrity in front of The Peninsula hotel which I might or might not have done when the Jolie-Pitt family was in town.  Either way I thought that in our vast population here in Chicago's loop there was the most minuscule chance I would ever run into him.  Those who are familiar with my luck know the deck was stacked against me.  In fact I ran into "my friend" just the other day on the bus. 

So it was Tuesday Night, which means $0.25 Wing Night with the Ladies!  Beth wanted to get their earlier so I had to be there by 6:30pm, which happens to be the time I usually leave the office.  I had left my phone at home which would prove to be a huge handicap later, so I thought I would leave early grab the phone and hop on the 22 bus.  I ran out of the office at 5:10 hoping to catch the 5:15 which sometimes comes at 5:14 or 5:17.  Gotta love the CTA.  I see the bus and the light is about to change and I decide to make the run for it, which is never a good idea with Chicago drivers.  I have been hit by a car twice since I moved here.  (I can just hear the WHAT?! from Texas as my parents read this.)  And since I was loaded down with my laptop bag and my purse this made the sprint a bit of a challenge.  I decided to take the chance.  In my graceful run across La Salle (same one from the Junk Punch story) I was hoping that I could make eye contact with the driver so he wouldn't start to drive away.  

I did such an amazing job of locking eyes that I missed the patch of ice on the curb and skidded right in front of the bus doors.  I managed to grab the door handle that elderly people use to help themselves step up and not fall to my knees.  After doing what probably looked like the Scooby shuffle I found solid ground and stopped sliding around.  I looked up with a huge smile to see the bus driver staring at me jaw dropped and completely aghast.  He said "You know I woulda waited for ya girl."  I hopped on the bus and tried to track down my CTA Card which was hiding in one of the two large bags.  I finally found my card after what felt like 20 minutes and then let out a sigh that sounded a bit like a low "whooo".  This bus was a long accordion bus and the first two rows of 10 or so seats are facing each other to allow more people to stand in the middle of the aisle.  Then the next segment of seats are set up a little higher and facing each other.  I'm assuming the engineer included a step up on those seats so that you don't get people's butts and crotches in your face. 

I start to look around and cannot find a seat on the bus.  One of the joys of being in Chicago is that men do NOT give up their seats for women.  I guess the price the women of Chicago had to pay for equality was chivalry.

Anyway...I walk passed the two rows of seats that are facing each other and stumble and sway towards the middle of the bus where the seats have a step up and as I do I start to feel really anxious.  I should mention that I look quite glamorous with a huge pimple on my left cheek, static hair that even a sheet of bounce couldn't tame, high-water pants and I'm wearing tacky snow boots.  I start doing a quick mental checklist to make sure I didn't leave anything undone at the office.  As I start to reassure myself and reach for my book I get the feeling someone is staring at me.  Not that I’m surprised I made quite the entrance onto the bus.  

I glanced behind me, nothing strange.  Then I looked towards the front of the bus where I had just wobbly passed by and there he sat.  I can’t really place the feeling that came over me.  It was like a combination of my heart being set on fire and extreme panic taking over my body.  I look down at my chest and I think I might be breaking out into hives.  This is a first.  As I try to act normal I realize that my hands are shaking like Jell-o jigglers.  My inner monologue kicks into high gear.  My inner monologue sounds like a Spanish accented woman who is angry and speaking so rapid you can only catch the gist of the conversation.


Do you think he saw you?
Yes he did definitely.

Act normal.  Act normal!

It’s no big deal you were going to see him eventually. 
Deep breaths!  You're going to pass out if you don't breath
Has that ever really happened to someone?  Wait I think it happened to that blond girl on America's Next Top Model.  No, I think she locked her knees.  Are my knees locked?

I can't believe she didn't win.  She was really pretty, and had nice skin.

Oh my gosh!!!!!!!! I have that huge pimple….hurry put your hair in your face.

I almost drop my book as I try to casually flip my hair and hold on to the pole for balance.  I lose my balance as the bus driver halts to a bus stop and just narrowly miss slamming into a guy standing a few feet behind me.

 

Seriously!! Why the hell don't you wear make-up! You are 27yrs old!
I decide that I will start wearing make up on weekdays and not just weekends.

Ok! Ok! I will buy concealer or maybe I should ask Sara, or Beth what I need to buy.

God I wish they were here.  Or I wish I had waited for Kyle, why am I so impatient?
What good would it be to have any of them here?  Sara and Beth would have visually assaulted him and Kyle probably would have...
What would Kyle have done?  He's not that aggressive.  Well maybe he is...Would he have punched him or said something?  
No doubtful. In all likelihood Kyle would have had to carry me off the bus.  Wow all three of them have 4 letter names.  What are the odds of that happening?
Ohhh good you're getting distracted.  Keep thinking about random things.  You're not even thinking about him being 5ft away from you.

Damn it!

Go back to pretending to read your book.


Then I start thinking that it was just one glance, the guy was looking down, and super fast it probably wasn't even him.  Ok I'm going to double check. 

What if he is looking up at you?
I could put the book over my face and just peek out over the top just so my eyes are out.
That's creepy.  Do NOT look.



I start unzipping my sleeping bag of a jacket. It feels like the guy with the dirty facial hair sitting in the seat I am standing in front of lit a bonfire on the step up. I unravel my scarf since it feels like it's choking me.  Double check to see if I really did break out in hives or if I'm just hot.  I even have boob sweat!   
This cannot be normal.

I hope I am not sweating more than Mr. Phlegm.  I look up flustered that I am sweating more than when I work out. And what do you know he is staring right back at me.
Oh. Shit.



He lifts his hand to acknowledge he saw me and nods ever so slightly.  He looks kind of pensive and sad.  That's odd.  My mind starts racing.  
WHAT DO I DO NOW?!  Sad? Mad? Happy?  Do SOMETHING for goodness sakes you'll start sweating if you don't!



My hand shoots up and stops mid-air, and a huge eager smile comes across my face and I shout way too loud "Hey you!  How are you?!"  
Oh my god...could you be anymore excited?  Put your hand down already.  You might as well have put a woohoo in there.  He probably thinks you're crazy or that you still like him.

His eyes go wide and he instantly looks confused.


During this awkward exchange the bus had taken on a few new passengers.  And a guy in a suit moves his briefcase close to me and says "Can you move down just a bit."  I respond "Gladly!" Wooooh! Saved by a stranger!  
I didn't move down just a bit, I moved to the very back of the bus.  My body instantly relaxes (sort of).  I was still a bit paranoid that he might come back and ask if I was insane or remind me that he did NOT want to be with me anymore.  Thankfully that did not happen.  I got off two stops early and couldn't help but look over at the seat he was sitting in only to see he was gone.  Maybe he got off early because he wanted to stop at the grocery store on Division or he thought I was crazy.  Who knows...What do you think?!