METRA Rides & Allergic Reactions

Well it's safe to say I do like someone.  I can almost hear the gasp coming from my friends and family reading this.  It's not serious but I do like spending time with this person.  I won't really get into specifics but we did go on our third date last night and I told him I would head out to the 'burbs to meet up with him.  The ride out was great I met some really fun people including some AT&T employees.  The date was fantastic we went to dinner and a movie and then back to his apartment to watch the Bulls and wait for the train.  Don't get any crazy ideas he is a perfect gentleman.

It was the ride back that was the most interesting part of the date, my personal G.I. Joe was not there to protect me for this portion so I was technically not on the date anymore.  As soon as I climbed the stairs to get to the platform for the train I realized it was just one lone african american guy wearing some awesome CZ sparklers on his ears, jeans that were meant for someone who was a 5XL, and an unlit cigarette that he kept puffing and blowing in "O" shapes.  It was one of those brown ones with the white tips, I just know that they smell like a mix of cheap cologne, vanilla, and tobacco.   I can hear the train and have no clue where to wait to get to Chicago so I walked right up to him and said "Which side do we have to wait on to go to Chicago?"  He told me where to go then said in a low Barry White voice "What's a pretty girl like you doing out here all alone?"  If a statement like this doesn't send chills up your back I don't know what will.  So I said that I was visiting a friend who wished I traveled with a tazer more often.  He thought this was funny and he could sense my discomfort and said "Oh no gurrrl, I didn't meant to scuuure you girl.  You know I just wanted to ax youz out maybe"  So I said "Well thanks, but I'm dating someone.  [The girl thing was creeping me out so I decided to introduce myself] By the way my name is Clara."  I reach forward and shook his hand.  He introduced himself as Santana.  I couldn't help but hear the really sharp riff in black magic woman by the Mexican Santana in my head.  Santana gladly told me he would protect me until he had to get off at the 3rd stop.  And he gave me a really valuable tip. 

"Clara, gurl you need-ta put yo right hand in yo pocket and make it look like a piece."  I said "A What?" and he said "Ha ha you silly girl, a gun, and don't take it out no matter what...that way people won't know whatcha got in der."  He told me that's how he robbed someone once.  Well you learn something new everyday.  We talked for the 15min he was on the train then he told me to be careful and keep the "gun" on the DL (Down low).  Shortly after my 5'9 thug life protector left I was swarmed by 6 other African American guys. They didn't even try to be sly about it since they all sat within a seat away from me.  None of them seemed very friendly and they kept giving me creepy looks.  Ackward! 

Since I wasn't exactly looking forward to being raped, murdered, or kidnapped I decided to move to a different car, maybe one with other women in it.  As soon as I got up the group of guys followed me.  Well now I felt even more uncomfortable.  The conductor noticed what happened and came and sat with me.  This only deterred them from sitting in the seats directly next to me.  I did not take my "gun" out of my pocket even though I felt like an absolute idiot doing that.  My date told me to tell the conductor to ask the METRA police to wait for me but the conductor said that I would be lucky if there was any employees at the station when we got there.  Awesome.  I didn't really want him to worry so I didn't relay the conductors message. 

During this entire incident I felt pretty calm and I tried to look each of the men in the eye so that I would be able to recognize them later.  As this was progressing I knew I was a bit anxious and when I get nervous or anxious I tend to sweat and my body just heats right up.  This was not the case, I couldn't take the heat anymore so I finally took my trench coat off and when I did I saw that my arms were all red and my chest looked like it was breaking out into hives!  My eyes got huge and one of the men who was looking at me was staring back baffled.  Then I started to panic because that's what I do.  I called my friend John who is a doctor and was shouting that I was "TURNING ALL RED AND ITCHY!"  The men who had followed me were staring at me wide eyed now instead of their creepy side ways glares.  John told me that I might be allergic to my date's dog or something else and as long as I was breathing fine I would be ok by the morning unless I started to swell up.  I screamed "SWELL UP!?! WHAT?!"  At that point half of the train was looking at me and I started to sneeze uncontrollably for what seemed like a minute straight.  John told me I had to calm down or else it was going to get worse so I started doing deep breathing, and at this point I felt pretty safe because one of the guys left and said "Eww" when he passed by.  The rest stopped staring and one guy asked if I was "alright."  I answered with a sneeze and a cough and he left next.  I was down to 4 freaky men, a nerdy student, a woman with 20 books, and the conductor.  When I got off the train no one followed me. 

While I'm sure the gun trick would have worked had I not had to cover my mouth/nose, and use my free hand to scratch it seemed that grossing people out is the way to go.  When in doubt gross them out.