How I met “Mark” isn’t as important as what happened
on our first date. Mark is a great guy,
actually an awesome guy. He is a retired
Army Ranger so he has a commanding presence, red hair, and a serious personality
to match.
I have been on many awkward and uncomfortable first
dates but none as terrible as this one.
The only difference this one was my entire
fault.
All. My. Fault.
He called me up and said that he wanted to take me to
his newlywed friends, Jim and Judy’s, place for a couple’s game night. I was really excited and also terrified
because I am a bucket of crazy you don’t want to tip over when I play games. I’m a bad loser and an equally bad
winner. The gloating, in your face,
jumping up and down hootin and hollerin winner.
Mark and I arrived at the party as Judy was showing
off her wedding gifts which had taken over their dining room table of their apartment. As we were moving the gifts so we could all sit down she stopped at her last gifts. She made a grand gesture to pick up her Tiffany
Boxes that housed several sparkly wine glasses each individually wrapped in
special cellophane and bubble wrap. She
showed us one of the glasses and then said “Well these are just wayyyy too expensive
to be using for our silly game night. I
just wanted to show you how awesome these were.” She set them away from the rest of the boxes
as if they were going to catch 20% off discount fever being next to the Bed,
Bath, and Beyond boxes. This particular group
of ladies was not interested in talking about anything other than reality TV
characters, People magazine headlines, and Wedding ideas. Mark was sitting next to me and
said “Clara this seems like torture for you. These girls aren’t known for being friendly.
We can leave if you want.” Normally those topics are up my alley but they just weren't having any of my input. I got
the hint when everyone pretended I wasn’t sitting there but I was so
determined to walk away with a friend that I decided to stick it out.
Finally game night started and we paired up into Ladies vs. Men. While playing Cranium their tiny Chihuahua/Rat
Terrier mix dog took a liking to me and refused to leave my lap or stop
yapping. When I tried to move the dog he
bit me! I kept trying to move him and
kept getting nipped and bit. I asked
Judy if she could help me out. In her
best fake buttery voice she said “Awwwwww
Clara! He just seems to love you…He’s so
comfortable. Awwwww look at him! Just
let him stay.” She was literally killing
me with kindness. So I reached for the
best lie. “Well I’m kind of allergic I
just don’t want to break out.” So her
husband walked over to help “Here is his favorite duck just throw it far and he’ll
get distracted with someone else.” The door
to the patio was open and I threw that duck a little harder than I
thought. The dog kept going and I heard
murderous screams as the dog followed the little duck over the 2nd
floor balcony. Ohmygoodgodalmighty. All I heard was "Noooooo Noooooo...My Baby!!! My Baby!"
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| The Look on everyone's face... |
I ran out the door and started searching for a tiny dead dog as the
rest of the group slowly followed me out. He
must have hit the trees and catapulted into a bush 10 feet further away or was so
disoriented from the fall he walked in the wrong direction. That little dog was creeping out of the
bushes. I walked over to pick him up and
he cowered and yelped. I managed to pick him up and turned around to find half of the party out there staring at me in
disbelief, anger, and awe. Someone was
upstairs trying to calm Judy, but we could still hear her screaming crying out
of the still open patio door. He was checked out and moved as far away from me as possible. He seemed to be fine despite being incredibly skittish and
scared, especially of me. As we were
following the crowd back upstairs Matt took me aside and I verbalized what his eyes
seemed to be screaming at me, ”Lets go.
Please let’s just get out of here.”
He calmly nodded and said “Are you ok?”
I hate that question because it always seems to make me think
twice. Am I really ok? Ten people at a random party hate me
and rightfully so I almost killed their friends dog. Gotta keep it together! "Yeah I'm fine, I just want to go home. This has been disastrous."
When we went to collect my purse and give them my information should their dog die of a brain hemorrhage in the night, Judy the hostess,
said “Please don’t go, he’s alright. I’m sorry I was so hysterical. It was shocking to see that. He's my baby.” To my surprise the rest of the group chimed in
their protests of us leaving. One of the guys shouted ‘Hey if it wasn’t you, it was going to be me! That dog finally became bearable.” His wife promptly followed up his statement
with a bony elbow jab to the ribs.
Still ever so determined to leave with a friend I decided to stay. In retrospect I should have gone home on the only high note I would ever get that night.
The birthday girl McKenzie offered me a seat next to her. I had at least made it to the girl
couch! Matt sent me a mental high five
and I felt oddly like I was finally being included. We finished cranium and started on Pictionary. Midway through our major winning streak the
guy wandered over to the kitchen.
McKenzie and I were discussing and she said “Wrangle them! It’s their turn…what are they doing over
there.” I stood up next to where we were
sitting and said “Guys! It’s your turn…" It looked like quite a bit of action and I kept trying to look around a pillar that was blocking my site. Still no response from them. "What
are you all doing in there? [Stepped around the pillar] Why are you
all lighting all those candles? Is that
a Caayyyyyyyy…..Oh my god.”
I ruined the surprise. The guys
were in the kitchen lighting candles for McKenzie’s cake. As I abruptly sat back down I could feel the
glares and nasty vibes darting towards me.
I just ruined someone’s surprise.
Despite my shouting the guys came out and McKenzie pretended to be
surprised and excited. When they walked
back to the kitchen to cut the cake she leaned over and tried to soften the
blow “I saw the cake in there when I went to grab some wine. Don’t worry.”
At this point there was no questioning if we should stay or not. Matt walked up right next to me and started
with the goodbye’s and I grabbed my purse and backed up towards the door not
knowing what to say. ‘Thanks for having
me’ didn’t seem appropriate ‘My bad’ didn’t seem sufficient. So I just settled for a solid hand wave. As I turned around to reach for the door my
foot caught the edge of the Tiffany’s boxes and sent them both toppling over. I tried to pick them up and Judy came running
over, crying. Again.
“Just go…Just go.” As I tried to tell her I would pay her for
them she just put her hands over her face and her husband gave Mark a handshake
and we were out of there.
As we got into the elevator I made myself look over at Matt. I just ruined this guy's first ever couples game night. Matt was
staring at the floor. He could feel my eyes on him now, “Wow. Just wow.
I’m amazed that all of that happened in the span of 5hrs. You're like....like...Wow. Just wow. I have no words.” I had no words, but was comforted that as I
got into the car Matt closed my door and finally laughed.
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| What I looked like when I got home, Plus a glass of wine. |
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