Mr. Phlegm

As you all can imagine from the title this isn’t going to be the most appetizing date story.  I met Josh* at Starbucks.  I’m a very chatty person so if given the opportunity I try to talk to people around me.  You never know who you are going to meet.  Well while in line this guy Josh in front of me ordered the Peppermint Brownie, yum!  I asked him if it was any good and thus struck up a 20min conversation with him.  At the end of the conversation I casually said goodbye and he said “WAIT!” a little too loud for a starbucks’ if you ask me but I didn’t mind because he was cute.  Oh that gets me to Josh’s description.  He was about 6’1, medium build but kind of husky around the mid section.  If I had to say he looked like an actor it would be a shorter and a bit heavier in the face Jason Segal from How I met Your Mother.  

Anyway I flipped back around and he said ‘I never got your name.’  I always like when people state this because there really isn’t a question in there and if you wait just a fraction too long you can see how confident someone really is if you just stare at them waiting for them to ASK you their name.  If you can’t tell I love to play jokes on people.  He took the bait and didn’t flinch and said ‘So, are you going to make one up or what?’  He earned some cool points for this since I was actually thinking of making one up.  I mean I might never see the guy again why not.  But I should probably stop bringing my Vegas antics into the city I live in.  After I told him my name he handed me his business card…groan!  Guys…do NOT do this, it’s tacky, and no respectable girl will actually call you unless she’s in need of some financial advice or manual labor.  So since I was not in need of a financial advisor I promptly put it into the part of my wallet I generally clean out daily.  He did redeem himself by asking me on a date and getting my number after he scored another cool point by saying “Well you don’t seem like the type of girl who calls guys so is it possible for you to give me your number?”  Done and Done!

Date night rolls around and I’m very excited and jumpy.  I tend to get this way before my birthday and Christmas as well.  That part of me will never change, I love new stuff.  Well 7pm stops by and my date does not.  One of my pet peeves is tardiness.  This could possibly stem from being stood up in high school, thank you Xavi Ramirez or from my mother’s inability to tell time.  After 15min of waiting in my lobby the excited nerves start to give way to the echoes of my empty stomach.  As I am debating to walk back upstairs and catch The Real Houswives series on Bravo I see someone jumping out of a cab.  I decide it’s pretty hard to find my place so he gets a pass.  However when he walks in he is sweating profusely.  He says “Sorry I’m late…took me a bit longer than expected to get here” I respond by asking if he decided to run here.  Low blow I know but seriously he has sweat pits down to his belt and his face is droplets away from giving me a second shower.  He didn’t really find my comment to funny.  He tells me “It’s really warm outside” which is completely untrue to a Texan, it is 58 degrees, and I should be in a parka! 

We decide to walk to the Italian restaurant and on the way there I’m starting to sense why Josh is sweating so much.  He starts coughing and I can hear the phlegm in his throat.  I’m pretty quick to start gagging but I was able to hold it in.  He then lets out a huge loogie, which is slang for huge mucus ball.  I am a bit worried that I’m going to catch something so I asked him if he was sick.  “No, I’m not sick it’s just allergies.”

I say, “Oh really, allergies this time of month?”  I decide to roll with it.  Come on I’ve wanted to go to Dinotto’s for about a week I’m not giving up now no matter what price I had to pay!  In retrospect it was a bad decision.  Very. Bad. Decision.

We arrive at the restaurant, he has made reservations.  Sweet!  As we sit down he keeps coughing and making strange noises that sound like partials dislodging from the back of his throat.  So he orders some wine and decides to pick up his cloth napkin and hock his nasty loogie into it.  As our waiter returns he hands him the napkin and asks for a “fresh one.” I’m starting at him in disbelief and he asks me if I’m alright.  Not quite, I’m utterly and completely disturbed and pretty grossed out.  As we order I realize this might not stop.  He has already gone through two napkins and zero remorse or apology for blowing his nose and coughing up chunks of mucus at the table.  We end up having some good polite conversation and I almost forget that he has disgusted me 30min prior.  As soon as our food arrives he utilizes another napkin while making the worst hacking and choking noises to get this ball of phlegm up.  People around me are now staring at me with pity in their eyes.  I think a woman even mouthed “I’m so sorry” to me.   I couldn’t even eat I was so disgusted but Josh was apparently either very hungry or not at all bothered by the looks of shock and awe he was getting around the room.  Someone must have alerted our waiter because he gracefully glided to the table and said “Sir, it might be better if you used the paper napkins in our bathroom; they are more gentle for the face.”  His response, “Thanks man but these are fine, I’m not that particular.”  GROSS! 

As we’re leaving the restaurant I’m thanking God that I convinced him I didn’t need dessert and I needed to get home because I had an early conference call.  The kicker to the date was that as he walked me home he came in close and I stepped back.  He came in again and I stepped back.  My inner monologue was asking me questions at this point “Does this guy not get it?  Maybe it’s time for you to act crazy?”  So I say it was really nice to meet him and I appreciate him taking me to dinner.  I reach in for the shake and as I do I was suckered!  He grabbed my hand pulled me in and dipped me!  Are you kidding?!  To which he tried to kiss my face as he had me 3feet from the floor.  The moment his lips got close to my face I turned my head to the side and tried to squirm out of the tight grips of his chubby hands.  He then tried to adjust and kiss my face as it was straining to the right side and I had to move fast to get it away from his lips again.  He finally got the picture and asked why I didn’t want a kiss.  I said “Josh, I just don’t want to get sick I’m sorry.”  He tried to convince me he wasn’t sick but the sweat pits and the mucus at dinner were staring me down.  I finally had to tell him that I thought I might be sick and I just needed to get some rest.  He tried to lock down a date for the next week but thankfully I was leaving out of town and would have to call him back.  He broke the man rule and called me the very next afternoon.  I was really praying for the 3 day break from this guy.  I think that guys wait the 3 or 4 or whatever days because they know if they don't girls will remember how retarded they were when they first met.  As you can guess I have added manners on my list of "Things I would appreciate in a Boyfriend."