Monday, May 7, 2012

I ruined a date...



How I met “Mark” isn’t as important as what happened on our first date.  Mark is a great guy, actually an awesome guy.  He is a retired Army Ranger so he has a commanding presence, red hair, and a serious personality to match.  
I have been on many awkward and uncomfortable first dates but none as terrible as this one.  The only difference this one was my entire fault. 
 All. My. Fault. 
He called me up and said that he wanted to take me to his newlywed friends, Jim and Judy’s, place for a couple’s game night.  I was really excited and also terrified because I am a bucket of crazy you don’t want to tip over when I play games.  I’m a bad loser and an equally bad winner.  The gloating, in your face, jumping up and down hootin and hollerin winner. 

Mark and I arrived at the party as Judy was showing off her wedding gifts which had taken over their dining room table of their apartment.  As we were moving the gifts so we could all sit down she stopped at her last gifts.  She made a grand gesture to pick up her Tiffany Boxes that housed several sparkly wine glasses each individually wrapped in special cellophane and bubble wrap.  She showed us one of the glasses and then said “Well these are just wayyyy too expensive to be using for our silly game night.  I just wanted to show you how awesome these were.”  She set them away from the rest of the boxes as if they were going to catch 20% off discount fever being next to the Bed, Bath, and Beyond boxes.  This particular group of ladies was not interested in talking about anything other than reality TV characters, People magazine headlines, and Wedding ideas.  Mark was sitting next to me and said “Clara this seems like torture for you.  These girls aren’t known for being friendly. We can leave if you want.”  Normally those topics are up my alley but they just weren't having any of my input.  I got the hint when everyone pretended I wasn’t sitting there but I was so determined to walk away with a friend that I decided to stick it out. 

Finally game night started and we paired up into Ladies vs. Men.  While playing Cranium their tiny Chihuahua/Rat Terrier mix dog took a liking to me and refused to leave my lap or stop yapping.  When I tried to move the dog he bit me!  I kept trying to move him and kept getting nipped and bit.  I asked Judy if she could help me out.  In her best fake buttery voice she said  “Awwwwww Clara!  He just seems to love you…He’s so comfortable.  Awwwww look at him!   Just let him stay.”  She was literally killing me with kindness.  So I reached for the best lie.  “Well I’m kind of allergic I just don’t want to break out.”  So her husband walked over to help “Here is his favorite duck just throw it far and he’ll get distracted with someone else.”   The door to the patio was open and I threw that duck a little harder than I thought.  The dog kept going and I heard murderous screams as the dog followed the little duck over the 2nd floor balcony.  Ohmygoodgodalmighty.  All I heard was "Noooooo Noooooo...My Baby!!!  My Baby!" 

The Look on everyone's face...
I ran out the door and started searching for a tiny dead dog as the rest of the group slowly followed me out.  He must have hit the trees and catapulted into a bush 10 feet further away or was so disoriented from the fall he walked in the wrong direction.  That little dog was creeping out of the bushes.  I walked over to pick him up and he cowered and yelped.  I managed to pick him up and turned around to find half of the party out there staring at me in disbelief, anger, and awe.  Someone was upstairs trying to calm Judy, but we could still hear her screaming crying out of the still open patio door.  He was checked out and moved as far away from me as possible.  He seemed to be fine despite being incredibly skittish and scared, especially of me.  As we were following the crowd back upstairs Matt took me aside and I verbalized what his eyes seemed to be screaming at me, ”Lets go.  Please let’s just get out of here.”  He calmly nodded and said “Are you ok?”  I hate that question because it always seems to make me think twice.  Am I really ok?  Ten people at a random party hate me and rightfully so I almost killed their friends dog.  Gotta keep it together!  "Yeah I'm fine, I just want to go home.  This has been disastrous."  
 
When we went to collect my purse and give them my information should their dog die of a brain hemorrhage in the night, Judy the hostess, said “Please don’t go, he’s alright.  I’m sorry I was so hysterical.  It was shocking to see that.  He's my baby.”  To my surprise the rest of the group chimed in their protests of us leaving.  One of the guys shouted ‘Hey if it wasn’t you, it was going to be me!  That dog finally became bearable.”  His wife promptly followed up his statement with a bony elbow jab to the ribs. 

Still ever so determined to leave with a friend I decided to stay.  In retrospect I should have gone home on the only high note I would ever get that night.

The birthday girl McKenzie offered me a seat next to her.  I had at least made it to the girl couch!  Matt sent me a mental high five and I felt oddly like I was finally being included.  We finished cranium and started on Pictionary.  Midway through our major winning streak the guy wandered over to the kitchen.  McKenzie and I were discussing and she said “Wrangle them!  It’s their turn…what are they doing over there.”  I stood up next to where we were sitting and said “Guys!  It’s your turn…"  It looked like quite a bit of action and I kept trying to look around a pillar that was blocking my site.  Still no response from them.  "What are you all doing in there? [Stepped around the pillar] Why are you all lighting all those candles?  Is that a Caayyyyyyyy…..Oh my god.”

I ruined the surprise.  The guys were in the kitchen lighting candles for McKenzie’s cake.  As I abruptly sat back down I could feel the glares and nasty vibes darting towards me.  I just ruined someone’s surprise.  Despite my shouting the guys came out and McKenzie pretended to be surprised and excited.  When they walked back to the kitchen to cut the cake she leaned over and tried to soften the blow “I saw the cake in there when I went to grab some wine.  Don’t worry.”  At this point there was no questioning if we should stay or not.  Matt walked up right next to me and started with the goodbye’s and I grabbed my purse and backed up towards the door not knowing what to say.  ‘Thanks for having me’ didn’t seem appropriate ‘My bad’ didn’t seem sufficient.  So I just settled for a solid hand wave.  As I turned around to reach for the door my foot caught the edge of the Tiffany’s boxes and sent them both toppling over.  I tried to pick them up and Judy came running over, crying.  Again.   

“Just go…Just go.”  As I tried to tell her I would pay her for them she just put her hands over her face and her husband gave Mark a handshake and we were out of there. 

As we got into the elevator I made myself look over at Matt.  I just ruined this guy's first ever couples game night.  Matt was staring at the floor.  He could feel my eyes on him now, “Wow.  Just wow.  I’m amazed that all of that happened in the span of 5hrs.  You're like....like...Wow.  Just wow.  I have no words.”  I had no words, but was comforted that as I got into the car Matt closed my door and finally laughed. 

What I looked like when I got home, Plus a glass of wine.