Pole Dancing with a 65yr Old

Last night it was a co-worker's goodbye party.  The night got started off casually and before we knew it the table of 5 (we won't count Joey Tightpants b/c he didn't drink) consumed 3 bottles of wine.  Yes I call one of my co-workers Joey Tightpants as a result of my Mafia themed party a few weeks ago in another goodbye party for Vincenzo the Asian with the Italian name. 

So back to my story my friend Lucy who has moved back in town from Atlanta decided we should keep the party going.  I was fading but she convinced me it would be "just one drink out."  I have traveled with Lucy and I know "one drink out" really means "I just need to con her into coming out for 1hr then let the fun suck her in."  The following is a part of an email that I wrote my girlfriend in Seattle who wanted a full report after my facebook posting.

OMG!  I made a total fool of myself but it was kind of awesome. So my friend Lucy is very fun and random. I wanted to go home but she conned me into 1 drink out. We went to two bars that were total duds then this doorman at a bar we were walking by said "You'll have fun here, I'll start it off w/2 shots."  Bad decisions starting early.  These two Italian mobster wannabes came over and bought us a drink.  I was annoyed with the conversation they started asking how much money I made then they guessed my age, and wanted me to do a twirl.  They guessed 22.  I'm 24 now by the way.  Very boring conversation so I decided to spice it up.  After they said I looked good I thanked them and I told them I was still losing my baby weight.  I worked at a call center for $12.87/hr and I drink because it's customer service and people tell me their problems. Slick hair left shortly after that. Then before I knew it there was a girl with the microphone who came over to chat with us and she learned my name and later called me up on their crappy stage with 3 poles on it. I brought an old lady in her 60's (weirdest crowd ever) up on stage with me.  I only stayed up there dancing with the old lady for so long because she was showing me up and because the girl with the microphone kept saying "Clara's got skillz!" I have zero sexy and I know it so it's OK.  I now have pole burn on my hands.

 

Then we played beer pong with some guys, I found out the guy who kept trying to kiss me had a girlfriend so on our walk home he wanted to stop in CVS and I wanted to stop and teach him a lesson. I said that I knew he had a girlfriend and I wouldn't let him walk me home because I knew deep down he was a terrible person. He just stared at me and then I shouted at 1:30am in a semi-busy CVS "It's YOUR BABY and I'm KEEPIN IT!!!!!" and I walked off.

 

I then called a few people and left really insane vmails on their phones. My friend Ron got a Spanish lady asking him to "peek up de fon..."  Then for some crazy reason I called Dreamy Derek b/c I figured he would be up since it was early west coast time. He was also tipsy or he said that to make me feel better and I don't know what we talked about for 41min but at one point in the conversation I told him that he was a liar. Terrible idea.  I also ate my way through a Trader Joe's Mac n' Cheese thing while chatting, they are amazing but probably meant for 2 people to eat.

 

Then I passed out. But I did manage to wash my face.

Lesson(s) Learned: 

1. Don't go to a bar called Shenanigans without your own
2. Just because a 22yr old with hot pink net gloves, sparkly hot pants, and a microphone cheers you on doesn't mean you have dance "skillz."  
3. Don't ever try to show up a woman in a sequin jacket and an AARP card.
4. Public Humiliation is fun and effective

My name is Vivian...When I'm bored

Last night I went out with five very fun girlfriends.  It seems like the Turkey Dump (Just Bing it, you'll see) happened early this year and now that some of my friends are newly single a party was in order.  We had a great sushi dinner then decided to head out to a pretty swanky place in Chicago.  As I made my way to the bar to order a 2nd drink a guy five people away was shouting down the bar in my direction "VIVIAN!  VIVIAN!"  I looked over and gave him a tight lipped "wow you're embarrassing yourself" smile.  He kept shouting and was now waving his hands like his fingers were getting an electric shock.  Eventually he stopped and I'm assuming he found Vivian.  However, the bartender walked over with a drink and said "Hey this is for Vivian."  I looked at the girl next to me who was not paying attention and I nudged her and said "Hey! Someone bought you a drink."  The very snooty and unrealistically blond girl responds with "I'm not Vivian or with that crazy guy."  The bartender leaned across the bar and shouting over the loud music said, "NO YOU!"  I pointed to myself as most people do when they are confused.
 
I grabbed the drink and walked over to explain to the guy that I am not Vivian.  As soon as I walked over he leaned down and said, "Hey!!  How have you been?"  I have no clue who this guy is.  I felt bad breaking it to him but couldn't accept the drink "I don't think we've met."  He then explained where we met and I was yanked back to the memory.  It was at a bar party in Chicago and I was there to meet up with a friend from Texas who I had not seen in a long time.  I didn't think I would ever run into any of the people at the party again, and I was also bored out of my mind, so I created a fake name and job.  That night I became a professional bowler named Vivian, had been in the league 4yrs hoping to go pro and make it onto ESPN3 some day.  I stopped short of giving bowling advice.  My side job was cutting hair in the suburbs so I gave hair advice instead.  Ahhh...The things people do when they are bored. 

As he was talking I found out his name was Kevin.  I now had an issue, my oldest brother is named Kevin, I can't fake number him or be rude and walk away after he bought me a drink.  I think it's harder to hurt someones feelings if they share the same name as a family member or close friend. I didn't have the heart to tell him and I also had already sipped half the drink during his lengthy story about a tax law case that was currently in mediation.  So I was Vivian again and I spoke with him for way too long because I ended up losing my friends and felt obligated to give him my phone number.  I still could not break the news via text the following day.

Lesson Learned:  Always re-think the phrase "You will never see any of these people again."  Oh and make sure you end the impersonator joke the same evening, it's pretty hard to do 6months later. 

Tech Support Embarrassment

Lets be honest I embarrass myself 99% of the time and on a rare occasion someone embarrasses me.  Like when my former boss Mike called me pretending to be our security check in and told me that I had flowers waiting for me.  I went to the lobby and they sent me to our delivery room in the basement.  I was asking around for about 10min convinced that someone else had taken my flowers.  As I was getting flustered I revisited the sound of the overtly husky voice on the phone.  Awesome. 

Today I had the pleasure of embarrassing myself.  Our ordering portal for business cards was not working, I have been in this job for 7months and still have not been able to order these cards.  I always got to the "check out" button but instead of entering my credit card it sends me ALL the way back to start over and re-type in my information.  A person can only do this so many times before you sincerely consider assaulting any electronic equipment nearby. 

I made the call to our help desk which is conveniently located in Mumbai.  I have no idea what "Rich" is trying to tell me so he eventually takes over my computer and tries to show me.  He is completely baffled as well and instead of fixing the problem accuses me of doing something to break the system.  Yes, "Rich" I have deadlines to meet but today I decided to abandon real work and my goal was to make YOUR life tougher.  We both end up at Tech Support level 3 which lands me back in the US with a guy from IBM who couldn't care less about my problem or the software they developed to order business cards.  I now have 3 tech guys on the phone and they are all trying to figure out how to order me business cards.  We have to go to another website to contact someone else and this requires my Global password.  The following conversation ensues. 

IBM guy:  Clara what's your password so we can access all the sites with your global log on and take over your computer?
Me:  Can I just enter it
IBM Guy:  It'll be easier if you just tell us so that we can enter it for each website and you can work on other stuff.
Me:  I'll just enter it
"Rich":  Tiz easiah if you give to us this password
IBM Guy:  Just tell us I don't want to have to give you back control to enter it 5 times it'll eat up tons of time
"Rich":  Iz ziz a probleem Miss Gaza?

[Debating if I want to give them my password.  I have been on the phone for a total of 67min.  I have spoken to 3 technicians from 2 different countries and while on hold for IBM learned all about Rich's love of cricket and his 5 children.  I don't think I can do this again tomorrow]

Tech #2:  Clara?
Me:  Ok Ok. 
"Rich":  Ah very good
Me:  Wait, can I change it before? 
IBM Guy:  DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THAT WILL TAKE?!
Me:  Ok Fine.  It's...it's...Whofartedon22 and the W is capitalized
[Silence]
IBM Guy:  What was that?
Me:  Whofartedon22
IBM Guy:  [breaks out into some snorting laughter]

I'm thankful that after the long silence laughter broke through. 

I like to create passwords that make me laugh.  It adds some fun to my day.  Don't judge me.  Just start doing it, you'll see how it brings a smile to your day.  Except when you're on with Tech Support.